Friday's Funnies

Actual Newspaper Ad Lines

·        Illiterate? Write today for free help.

·        Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

·        Nordic Track $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.

·        Open house: Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.

·        Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

·        Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

·        Stock up and save. Limit one.

·        Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

·        Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

·        We build bodies that last a lifetime.

Church Nevers

·        Never ask an usher to break a $20.

·        Never do a cannonball in the baptismal tank.

·        Never hold a church business meeting on Super Bowl Sunday.

·        Never tell the pastor, "We love your church, and we might even come back next Easter."

·        After a soloist of impressive size sings "Love Lifted Me," don't follow with the hymn "It Took a Miracle."

That's Logical

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic. "Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?" A girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF...

Bluenecks are northerners - the opposite of Rednecks. Because of Redneck jokes, here are some takes on how Southern folks look at Northerners (or how Northerners sometimes think of themselves).

...Instead of referring to two or more people as "Y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

...You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

...You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY.

...You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly

...For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes-au-gratin to grits.

...You've never, ever eaten okra -- fried, boiled, or pickled

...You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

...You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on your dog

...You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

...You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-'n-knife show

...You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach

...You don't know anyone with at least two first names (i.e., Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean, Joe Dan, Mary Alice)

...You don't know any women with male names (i.e., Tommie, Bobbie, Johnnie, Jimmie)

...None of your fur coats are homemade

Not a good idea!

A young man called his mother and announced excitedly that he had just met the woman of his dreams!  Now what should he do?  His mother advised: "Send her flowers, and on the card invite her to your place for a home-cooked meal!"  So that's what he did.  His mother called the day after the big date to see how things had gone.  "The evening was a disaster," he moaned.  "Why, didn't she come over?" asked his mother.  "Oh, she came over, but she refused to cook..."

DOCTOR FUNNY #1

After the doctor gave the patient his diagnosis, the patient asked, "Can I have a second opinion?"

The doctor replied, "Sure. Come back tomorrow."

DOCTOR FUNNY #2

Two kids were deciding what game to play. One said, "Let's play doctor."

"Good idea," said the other. "You operate, and I'll sue."

Zoo feeding time

Cleaning out the aviary at a run-down zoo, the keeper found two finches that had dropped dead from old age. He picked them up and placed them in a sack. After cleaning the cage he put the sack in his wheelbarrow and moved on to the next cage.  When he reached the primate cage he found two chimps who have also died of natural causes. “Waste not, want not” he said as he put them in the sack with the finches.  Later at feeding time, he flipped the animals from the sack into the lions cage.  “Oh no!!” roared the lion… “Not finch and chimps again!”

More blond jokes

Why did the blond stare at the orange juice. Because it said concentrate.

How do you get a blond to climb on the roof. Tell her the drinks are on the house.

How do you get a blond to stay in the shower all day. Lend her your bottle of shampoo that says, lather, rinse, repeat.

Digital World

My wife tells me that our children are referred to as "Digital Natives" since they will not remember a time in their lives prior to the internet, iPhones, touch screens, or wifi.  Confirming evidence: Yesterday my 4-year-old daughter went to throw something away in the trash can and found it to be too full. She approached me and said, "Daddy, you need to delete the trash."