Going In Style
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this faithfully to the age of 103 when he died. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Cleaning Up
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt" He yelled back, "NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!"
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this faithfully to the age of 103 when he died. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot crater where the crematorium used to be.
Cleaning Up
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?" "It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt" He yelled back, "NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS!"
Kids Say The Craziest Things
BRITTANY (age 4)
had an ear ache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in
vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained
it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'
SUSAN (age 4)
was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please
don't give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough...'
DJ (age 4)
stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I
cost?'
CLINTON (age 5)
was in his bedroom looking worried when his Mom asked
what was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in it?'
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were
hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked
his dad: 'Why is he whispering in her mouth?'
JAMES (age 4)
was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man
named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife
looked back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to
the flea?'
TAMMY(age 4)
The sermon I think this Mom will never forget... This
particular Sunday sermon...'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended
toward Heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. 'Without You, we are
but dust...' He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient
daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her
shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'
The Plan
The loaded mini—van pulled into a campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father grinned and said, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
Department of Lowered Expectations
During a road trip, I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."
The loaded mini—van pulled into a campsite. Four children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils. A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is some display of teamwork." The father grinned and said, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom until the camp is set up."
Department of Lowered Expectations
During a road trip, I stopped in a small town to grab a bite to eat. I walked into a local pizza place and the first thing I noticed was a sign on the wall advising: "Price. Quality. Service. Pick Any Two."
Never die
When General Douglas MacArthur retired from the military
in 1951, he stated famously, "Old soldiers never die, they just fade
away." But five-star generals are not the only ones who never die:
Golfers never die, they just lose their drive.
Accountants don't die, they just lose their balance.
Bank managers don't die, they just lose interest.
Vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day.
Engineers never retire, they just lose their bearings.
Beekeepers never retire, they just buzz off.
Musicians never retire, they just decompose.
Watchmakers never retire, they just wind down.
Academics never retire, they just lose their faculties.
Old librarians never die, they just check out, become
overdue, and lose their circulation.
Old milkmaids never die, they just kick the bucket and
lose their whey.
Old math professors never die, they just go off on a
tangent.
Old mimes never die, they're just never heard from again.
Reality Check
Just think: If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
Just think: If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
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