Friday's Funnies

Waiter

A waiter brings the customer his dinner, with his thumb firmly clamped on the steak. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my food with your hand all over it!" "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

 

Just Saying 

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

How Grandchildren Perceive Their Grandparents

 1. I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!" I'll probably never put on lipstick again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper goodbye.

 

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me a happy birthday. He asked how old I was, and I told him, "72." My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

3. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire that hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last, she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 

4. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and said, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

 

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

 

Funny Kids

- My five-year-old was in bed for a while, then yelled, "Mommy, come here!" I yelled back, "Why?"
Then she yelled, "I haven't thought of a reason yet."

- 7yo: "Mom, how many more kids can you have? I need at least two more for my dance team."

- My six-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me and said, "I'm not going all the way to the ocean right now."

What Makes You So Smart

A customer at Gene's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Gene, what makes you so smart?" "Fish heads," says Gene. "You eat enough of them; you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Gene. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and that he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough, " says Gene. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Gene," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Gene. "You're smarter already."

 

Reality 

Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or in 2 weeks like I usually do?

 

Lantern Trial

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the crossing guard insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the guard when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

Ten Songs for People Over 40

9. Let's Get a Physical
8. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
7. Johnny B. Olde
6. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
5. The Lack O' Motion
4. Hair Potion Number Nine
3. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
2. A Hard Day's Nap
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

Parrot Dream Fulfilled

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500. When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?" The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Dad Joke

My company is better at making sunscreen than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in!

Today's Thought

The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.