Friday's Funnies

 Getting Wife’s Attention

Today I was struggling to get my wife's attention. So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

 

Qualified Accountant

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight people for the job of assistant to the financial director. The chief executive thought that one candidate, Chad, seemed ideal. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Chad also had a master's degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques. "Chad," said the chief executive, "we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well qualified, we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you $120,000 a year." "Thank you," replied Chad. "But how much is that per month?"

 

Carpenters

Janice had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen. One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well. "Are you kidding?" he gasped. "You can't just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this."

Erma Bombeck Quotes

-          Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

-          When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.

-          If I had my life to live over, I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

-          If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?

-          All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

-          Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

-          It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

-          I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

-          I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

-          Never have more children than you have car windows.

-          For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.

 

New Baby Coming

For weeks a little boy told his teacher about the baby that was coming to his house. One day, his mother let him feel the baby move in her tummy. He then stopped telling the teacher about the baby. The teacher finally asked, "What happened to the baby you were expecting at your house?" The boy broke into tears and said, "I think my Mommy ate it!"

Wealthy Socialite

The wealthy socialite Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. "Nora," she said to her veteran assistant, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests' names as they arrive." Nora's face lit up. "Thank you, ma'am," she replied. "I've been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years."

Things You Need To Know If You Move To The South

 

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

3. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

4. Onced and Twiced are words.

5. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

6. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?

7. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.

8. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.

9. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

10. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

11. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

12. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

13. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

14. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

15. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.

16. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

17. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

18. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.

19. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)

20. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

21. You know what a hissy fit is..

22. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

23. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

24. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the South.

25. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

Dad Joke

One of the Smith Brothers, who invented Wild Cherry Cough Drops and Throat Lozenges, died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.

Today’s Thought

The trouble with wishful thinking is that it's usually 99% wishful and 1% thinking.