Friday Funnies

 Car Needs Repair

Jill's car was unreliable, and she kept telling her husband John about it, but it would always seem fine when he would drive it. So, he dismissed it thinking that she was exaggerating. Then he got a call.

John: "Hi honey."

Jill: "My brakes went out. Can you come get me?"

John: "What!? Where are you?"

Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."

John: "And where's the car?"

Jill: "It's in here with me..."

Old Friends

Two old friends met one day after many years.  One attended college, and now was very successful.  The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.  So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. "Then another day I dropped my finger on another word, and it was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.  Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Names

Mom, why is my brother named Michael?

Because your father loves Formula One.

Thanks, mom

No worries Nikon.

 

Educator Funnies

Meview - A class review of material in which the only one really reviewing is the teacher.

Pager-turner - A reading so enthralling that the students turn off their phones so they can finish it uninterrupted.

Plausea - The nauseous feeling a teacher gets while trying to figure out if a student's excuse is believable or not.

Powerpointless - A wonderfully executed, high-tech presentation completely devoid of meaningful content.

Seatables - The little pieces of school lunch that hide on the seats of school lunchroom chairs waiting to adhere to the next unsuspecting sitter.

Shmudgle - The rainbow of color on the heel of your hand from using it as an eraser on the marker board and on overhead transparencies.

Signotsure - The signature that comes back on a midterm report that looks more like the student's than the parent's.

Telesubbies - Substitute teachers who only show videos.

Torigami - Assignment papers folded and unfolded so many times that they are turned in as sixteen separate pieces.

Wired classroom - Any classroom in which the teacher has had more than five cups of coffee and each student has had more than two cans of Mountain Dew.

Yep

I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know for sure that Dad has no idea what's inside.

 

Professionalism Test

Read out loud: 

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is goober cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat 

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.

 

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in apples? Turns out he was in cider trading.

Today’s Thought

If dentists make their money off people with bad teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?