Friday's Funnies

Waiter

A waiter brings the customer his dinner, with his thumb firmly clamped on the steak. "Are you crazy?" yells the customer. "Don't bring my food with your hand all over it!" "What," answers the waiter, "you want it to fall on the floor again?"

 

Just Saying 

If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

 

How Grandchildren Perceive Their Grandparents

 1. I was in the bathroom putting on my makeup under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I'd done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper goodbye!" I'll probably never put on lipstick again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper goodbye.

 

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me a happy birthday. He asked how old I was, and I told him, "72." My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

 

3. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire that hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last, she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

 

4. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and said, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.

 

5. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I really think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!"

 

Funny Kids

- My five-year-old was in bed for a while, then yelled, "Mommy, come here!" I yelled back, "Why?"
Then she yelled, "I haven't thought of a reason yet."

- 7yo: "Mom, how many more kids can you have? I need at least two more for my dance team."

- My six-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me and said, "I'm not going all the way to the ocean right now."

What Makes You So Smart

A customer at Gene's Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor's quick wit and intelligence. "Tell me, Gene, what makes you so smart?" "Fish heads," says Gene. "You eat enough of them; you'll be positively brilliant." "You sell them here?" the customer asks. "Only $4 apiece," says Gene. The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and that he isn't any smarter. "You didn't eat enough, " says Gene. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry. "Hey, Gene," he says, "You're selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You're ripping me off!" "You see?" says Gene. "You're smarter already."

 

Reality 

Just bought a head of lettuce. Should I throw it away now or in 2 weeks like I usually do?

 

Lantern Trial

In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court. At the trial, the crossing guard insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed. "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the guard when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination." "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried." "How's that?" the lawyer asked. "I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!"

Ten Songs for People Over 40

9. Let's Get a Physical
8. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough
7. Johnny B. Olde
6. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything
5. The Lack O' Motion
4. Hair Potion Number Nine
3. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)
2. A Hard Day's Nap
1. Knock Knock Knockin' on the Bathroom Door

Parrot Dream Fulfilled

A gentleman goes to an estate sale and notices that one of the items for sale is a large parrot. He's always wanted a talking bird, so when it comes up for bid he offers $50. The bidding proceeds hot and heavy with someone always bidding ten dollars more than he until the parrot is finally sold to him for $1,500. When he goes to get the bird, he asks the auctioneer, "Can the bird talk?" The auctioneer replied, "Who do you think was bidding against you?"

Dad Joke

My company is better at making sunscreen than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in!

Today's Thought

The trouble with skunks is that they don't have common scents.

Friday's Funnies

 Getting Wife’s Attention

Today I was struggling to get my wife's attention. So, I sat down on the sofa and looked comfortable. That did the trick.

 

Qualified Accountant

The company personnel department had carefully interviewed thirty-eight people for the job of assistant to the financial director. The chief executive thought that one candidate, Chad, seemed ideal. Not only was he a qualified accountant, but Chad also had a master's degree in business administration. He seemed fully aware of the latest creative accountancy techniques. "Chad," said the chief executive, "we've decided to offer you the job. And as you're so well qualified, we've decided to start you off on a slightly higher salary than the one advertised. We'll pay you $120,000 a year." "Thank you," replied Chad. "But how much is that per month?"

 

Carpenters

Janice had been pestering her husband, a carpenter, for more than a decade to build a screen door for the kitchen. One day, to her delight, he built and installed one in less than two hours. It was both practical and pretty. She glanced towards the front door and wistfully remarked that one would look good there, as well. "Are you kidding?" he gasped. "You can't just whip these things up, you know. It takes ten years to build a door like this."

Erma Bombeck Quotes

-          Encourage independence in your children by regularly losing them in the supermarket.

-          When the going gets tough, the tough make cookies.

-          If I had my life to live over, I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

-          If the nest is truly empty, who owns all this junk?

-          All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

-          Housework, if it is done properly, can cause brain damage.

-          It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

-          I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

-          I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

-          Never have more children than you have car windows.

-          For years, my husband and I have advocated separate vacations. But the kids keep finding us.

 

New Baby Coming

For weeks a little boy told his teacher about the baby that was coming to his house. One day, his mother let him feel the baby move in her tummy. He then stopped telling the teacher about the baby. The teacher finally asked, "What happened to the baby you were expecting at your house?" The boy broke into tears and said, "I think my Mommy ate it!"

Wealthy Socialite

The wealthy socialite Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. "Nora," she said to her veteran assistant, "for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests' names as they arrive." Nora's face lit up. "Thank you, ma'am," she replied. "I've been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years."

Things You Need To Know If You Move To The South

 

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in the South.

3. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

4. Onced and Twiced are words.

5. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

6. Jawl-P? means: Did you all go to the bathroom?

7. People actually grow, eat, and like okra.

8. Fixinto is one word. It means I'm going to do something.

9. There is no such thing as lunch. There is only dinner and then there's supper.

10. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals, and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

11. Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.

12. The word jeet is actually a question meaning, 'Did you eat?'

13. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

14. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH em.

15. Y'all is singular. All Y'all is plural.

16. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

17. You carry jumper cables in your car for your OWN car.

18. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Cajun seasoning, Tabasco, and ketchup.

19. Everyone you meet is a Honey, Sugar, Miss (first name), or Mr (first name)

20. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

21. You know what a hissy fit is..

22. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

23. We don't need no dang Driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive!!!

24. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Southern friends and those who just wish they were from the South.

25. Why did the chicken cross the road? To show that stupid possum that it CAN be done!

Dad Joke

One of the Smith Brothers, who invented Wild Cherry Cough Drops and Throat Lozenges, died last week. There was no coffin at the funeral.

Today’s Thought

The trouble with wishful thinking is that it's usually 99% wishful and 1% thinking.

Friday Funnies

 Car Needs Repair

Jill's car was unreliable, and she kept telling her husband John about it, but it would always seem fine when he would drive it. So, he dismissed it thinking that she was exaggerating. Then he got a call.

John: "Hi honey."

Jill: "My brakes went out. Can you come get me?"

John: "What!? Where are you?"

Jill: "I'm in the drugstore."

John: "And where's the car?"

Jill: "It's in here with me..."

Old Friends

Two old friends met one day after many years.  One attended college, and now was very successful.  The other had not attended college and never had much ambition. The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?" "Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil.  So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. "Then another day I dropped my finger on another word, and it was gold.  So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced.  Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller." The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Names

Mom, why is my brother named Michael?

Because your father loves Formula One.

Thanks, mom

No worries Nikon.

 

Educator Funnies

Meview - A class review of material in which the only one really reviewing is the teacher.

Pager-turner - A reading so enthralling that the students turn off their phones so they can finish it uninterrupted.

Plausea - The nauseous feeling a teacher gets while trying to figure out if a student's excuse is believable or not.

Powerpointless - A wonderfully executed, high-tech presentation completely devoid of meaningful content.

Seatables - The little pieces of school lunch that hide on the seats of school lunchroom chairs waiting to adhere to the next unsuspecting sitter.

Shmudgle - The rainbow of color on the heel of your hand from using it as an eraser on the marker board and on overhead transparencies.

Signotsure - The signature that comes back on a midterm report that looks more like the student's than the parent's.

Telesubbies - Substitute teachers who only show videos.

Torigami - Assignment papers folded and unfolded so many times that they are turned in as sixteen separate pieces.

Wired classroom - Any classroom in which the teacher has had more than five cups of coffee and each student has had more than two cans of Mountain Dew.

Yep

I just got a present labeled, "From Mom and Dad," and you know for sure that Dad has no idea what's inside.

 

Professionalism Test

Read out loud: 

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is goober cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat 

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the start.

 

Dad Joke

Did you hear about the guy who made a fortune investing in apples? Turns out he was in cider trading.

Today’s Thought

If dentists make their money off people with bad teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?

Friday's Funnies

 Puzzled

Jon pulled in the Popeye’s drive thru, and since he wasn’t too hungry, he just ordered a kid’s combo with a chicken leg. The lady on the speaker asked, “which side”? Puzzled a bit by the question, Jon responded “the left side, I guess, does it make a difference?” After a big, hearty laugh, she said “I mean, do you want fries or mashed potatoes”!

 

Looking For Help

Customer: "Excuse me, but are you looking to hire any help at present?"

Manager: "No, we already have all the staff we need."

Customer: "Then would you mind getting someone to wait on me?"

 

Sunday School

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. Her daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilts."  Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea.  Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said, "Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming."

 

Dogless

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.

Educators Dictionary

Acadormant - Students who have stopped making any academic progress.

Bookstache - The facial hair added by students to every portrait in the American history textbook.

Colate - Two students who arrive tardy to class at the same time.

Corroborative learning - When all the students in a class agree to stick to the same excuse for why their work is not done.

Coverage-based instruction - Instruction based on the idea that what is taught is much more important than what is learned.

E-fail - Electronically sent failure notices.

Erasivot - The divot that you get in your paper if you erase too hard.

Fontics - Literacy training through the use of wacky computer type fonts.

Handoubt - To wonder if the students even looked at the important papers you just passed them.

Hydropendant - Student who requests permission to get a drink of water every ten minutes.

Hyper-critical thinking - Higher level thinking evidenced by such questions as, "What kind of a haircut is that?!" And, "Why do we have to do this stupid assignment?!"

Interconversations - The office conversations you overhear when someone forgets to turn off the intercom after an announcement.

Dispute

There's a labor dispute at my office. The boss wants me to do some.

 

Long-winded Visiting Minister

A visiting minister was very long-winded. Worse, every time he would make a good point during his sermon and a member of the congregation responded with "Amen" or "That's right, preacher" he would get wound up even more and launch into another lengthy discourse. Finally, the host pastor started responding to every few sentences with "Amen, Pharaoh!" The guest minister wasn't sure what that meant, but after several more "Amen, Pharaohs" he finally concluded his very lengthy sermon. After the service concluded and the congregation had left, the visiting minister turned to his host and asked, "What exactly did you mean when you said "Amen, Pharaoh?" His host replied, "I was telling you to let my people go!"

 

Obviously

When people say, "It's always in the last place you look." Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it?

 

Happy Childhood

On admission to the nursing home where I worked, each new resident was interviewed by a social worker. During one session, an alert, twinkling-eyed, 96-year-old man was asked, "Did you have a happy childhood?" "So far, so good!" he replied.

Dad Joke

2019: Didn't jog.

2020: Didn't jog.

2021: Didn't jog.

2022: Didn't jog.

2023: Didn't jog.

2024: Still haven't jogged.

This is a running joke.

 

Today’s Thought

If you eat your cake fast enough, your Fitbit will think you're walking.