Friday's Funnies

 Tip Of The Day

Tip for a successful marriage: Don't ask your wife when dinner will be ready while she's mowing the lawn.

 

Good News

I got a call from a scammer who said, "I've got all of your passwords." I said, "Great. What are they? I'll grab a pen."

 

Observation

A little girl was watching her daddy repair his tractor. She asked her mother, "What happens to old tractors when they finally stop working?" Sighing, her mother answered: "Someone sells them to your father, dear."

Conclusion

My granddad always said, "When one door closes, another door opens." Lovely man. Terrible cabinet maker.

Aging

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the waiters there were cute.

 

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the food there was very good, and the wine selection was good also.

 

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

 

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible, and they even had an elevator.

 

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

Fitness

The fitness trainer asked me, "What kind of a squat are you accustomed to doing?" I said, "Diddly."

 

Birthday Wish

Grown-up: "What do you want for your birthday this year?"
Kid: "I'd like a little brother."
Grown-up: "Oh my, that's a big wish!  Why do you want a little brother?"
Kid: "Well, there's only so much I can blame on the dog."

Baseball Funnies

 

Q. Why did the base runner feel like garbage?
A. Because he got thrown out.

Q. Who plays baseball in your living room?
A. The home team.

Q. Who turns the lights on and off at the ballpark?
A. The switch-hitter.

Q. Why did the baseball player practice milking cows?
A. Because he heard he was being sent to a farm team.

Q. Why are the longest sports articles about pitchers?
A. Because a pitcher's worth a thousand words.

Q. Why are baseballs white?
A. Because they keep getting hit into the bleachers.

Q. Why did the baseball coach buy a big broom?
A. Because he wanted to sweep the World Series.

Q. Why do baseball fans wear casual clothing?
A. Because ties aren't allowed in baseball.

Q. Why didn't the runner get to second base?
A. Because he was single-minded.

Q. How did the baseball player die?
A. He choked up on the bat.

True Meaning

A teacher was taking her first golf lesson. "Is the word spelled P-U-T or P-U-T-T ?" she asked the instructor. " P-U-T-T is correct," he replied. " P-U-T means to place a thing where you want it. And P-U-T-T means a vain attempt to do the same thing."

Dad Joke

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.

 

Today’s Thought

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.