Friday's Funnies

 Olympics

 

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would come in 4th just so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

 

Repayment

 

A diner in a restaurant started to choke on a bone.  Another diner rushed over and performed the Heimlich Maneuver. The bone popped out. As the first man's breath and voice returned, he said, "You saved my life! How can I ever repay you?" The other man grinned and said, "I'll settle for one percent of what you were willing to pay while you were choking."

 

Daffynitions

Baloney: Where some hemlines fall
Bernadette: The act of torching a  mortgage
Burglarize: What a crook sees with
Control: A short, ugly inmate
Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
Eyedropper: a clumsy ophthalmologist
Heroes: what a guy in a boat does
Left Bank: what the robber did when his bag was full of loot
Misty: How golfers create divots
Paradox: two physicians
Parasites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist: a helper on the farm
Polarize: what penguins see with
Primate: removing your spouse from in front of the TV
Relief: what trees do in the spring
Rubberneck: what you do to relax your wife
Selfish: what the owner of a seafood store does

 

Excess Weight

 

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient. "I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid." "The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

 

Inventions

 

Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

Dental Appointment

 

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm.........or could he??? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School. "Yes. Yes, I did. I had a Mustang." He gleamed with pride. When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1976. Why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" I claimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled man asked, "What did you teach?"

Spelling

 

Kathryn's 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she'd ask, "Mom, what does FGRPL spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn said. Sitting at breakfast she'd suddenly ask, "Mom, what does DOEB spell?" "Nothing," Kathryn answered. This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, "Mom, what does LMDZ spell?" Kathryn smiled at her and said, "Nothing, sweetheart." The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, "Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!"

Steven Wright Quotes

 

- Right now, I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

- I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

- I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

- I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

- There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

 

Job Application

 

Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran up a terrible record of forecasting the weather for the TV news program. He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year. That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired. He moved to another part of the country and applied for a similar job. One blank on the job application called for the reason for leaving his previous position. Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."

Dad Joke

 

Just so everybody's clear. I'm going to put my glasses on.

 

Today’s Though

I hate people who can't let go of the past. Debt collectors are the worst.