Friday's Funnies

 The Defendant

The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?" "No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm the guy who done it."

You Know You’ve Had Too Much Coffee When…

 
* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people's fingernails.
* You answer the door, before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You're the employee of the month at Starbucks - and you don't even work there.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You're so wired you pick up FM radio.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug.

What A Deal!

Yesterday I saw an ad that said, "Radio for sale, $1, Volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

Census Questions

Census Taker:  "How many children do you have?"
Woman:  "Four."
Census Taker:  "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
Woman:  "Because we didn't want any Moe."

Actual Newspaper Bloopers

·       The sewer expansion project is nearing completion, but City officials are holding their breath until it is officially finished.

·       The ladies of the county medical society auxiliary plan to publish a cookbook. Part of the money will go to the Samaritan Hospital to purchase a stomach pump.

·       The assembly passed and sent to the senate a bill requiring dog owners in New York City to clean up after their dogs, in penalty of $100 fine. The bill also applies to Buffalo.

·       The bride-elect was showered with pieces of her chosen china.

 

Phyllis Diller Quotes

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

I spent seven hours in a beauty shop... and that was for the estimate.

I never made "Who's Who," but I'm featured in "What's That?"

I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: "I'm not losing a son; I'm gaining a couch."

The doctor looked my body over. I said, "Is there any hope?" He said, "Yes. Reincarnation."

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

You know what keeps me humble? Mirrors!

My body is in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

In most states, you can get a driver's license when you're sixteen years old, which made a lot of sense to me when I was sixteen years old but now seems insane.

If my jeans could talk, they'd plead for mercy.

Two Cows

Two cows were looking over a gate. One said to the other, "What do you think about this mad cow disease?" The other cow looked over and replied, "Why should I care? I'm a helicopter."

While Unconscious

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious. When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! - a boy and a girl. We couldn't reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you." The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother ... he's not very bright!" She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise." "Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?" "Denephew."

Dad Joke

Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven't met yet.

Today’s Thought

You don't actually wash your hands. They wash each other.