Friday's Funnies

 The Best

A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray. "You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!" they asserted. "I am!," he said, "but I think we're in Wyoming now."

Sunday School

Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

The Ranch

A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name. "Well," said the would-be-cattleman. "I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, we're calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y Ranch." "But where are all your cattle?" "So far, none have survived the branding."

Idiots & Windows

An idiot had the windows in his house replaced with new double-insulated energy efficient windows. Twelve months later he got a call from the contractor, complaining that the work has been done for a year and he had yet to make the first payment. The idiot replies, "now don't try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those windows told me that in one year they would pay for themselves."

What The Teacher Really Means

What the teacher says. (And what the teacher really means.)

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates. (He was caught cheating on a test.)

2. Becky is an endless fund of energy and viability. (The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes).

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction. (He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.)

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her. (The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.)

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination. (The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.)

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers. (Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.)

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions. (Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.)

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers. (He's a bully.)

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory. (Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.)

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality. (She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.)

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open. (He must have written the Whiner's Guide.)

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment. (Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.)

A Note

I had sat down with my family after finishing my worship leading responsibilities at my church. My son, an eight-year-old, who was just learning to sit in "big church" was whispering to mommy. A few minutes later, he had written something on a piece of paper and wadded it up to hand to me. I unwadded the paper and read the words, "Hi dad! Bye." I looked at him and quietly asked him: "What is this?" "It's a text message, Dad. Mom wouldn't let me use her phone."

Care and Feeding

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

Long Flight

Just for the record, the longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes. And it was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.

Dad Joke

The opposite of isolate is yousoearly.

Today’s Thought

Most people are so lazy, they don't even exercise good judgment.