Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Gift

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Friday.

The Top Seven Things Overheard On The Wise Men’s Journey To Bethlehem

7 - Man, I'm starting to get a rush from this frankincense!
6 - You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken.
5 - You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.
4 - What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow?  Phoenician?
3 - Hey, do you either of you know why "MYRRH" is spelled with a "Y" instead of a "U"?
2 - Okay, whose camel just spit?
1 - All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

Messages Via Telegraph

An old country preacher needed to have a sign made that would tell the people passing on the freeway about The Wonder of Christmas. He lived quite a ways out of town and did not have access to any of the modern conveniences of phone or email, in fact, he only was able to send quick messages via Telegraph from the local General store. Since telegraphs charge by the letter, he tried to make his message succinct so that the sign builder would know exactly what he wanted, but without wasting extra characters. He rushed down to the General Store and sent his message off. This story picks up at the sign-making company and the poor clerk who received the telegraph message. As the message printed out she gasped, and fainted. The message that she read, "Unto us a child is born 6 ft long and 3 ft wide."

Why We Would Love To Be Santa Claus

> You could grow a massive gut and consider it a job requirement.
> Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren't.
> You'd never be asked to take an early retirement package.
> There'd be no need to play office politics; a hearty "Ho! Ho! Ho!" would remind everyone who's boss.
> No one would dare ask for a ride to work.
> No more trips to the vending machine...you'd just snack on milk and cookies all day.
> Age discrimination wouldn't be an issue.
> Your co-workers would be on notice that they'd better not pout.
> You'd never be expected to make the coffee.
> One big black belt - accessorized for life!
> Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.
> You'd never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

Christmas Picture

In class little Johnny drew a picture of his favorite Christmas carol, Silent Night. His Sunday School teacher said, "Very good Johnny. I see the manger with baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the star, and the shepherds, and three wise men. But who is the overweight gentleman over in the corner?"  And little Johnny replied, "That's round John Virgin."

A Great Job

A guy came home to his wife and said, "Guess what? I've found a great job. A 10 a.m. start, 2 p.m. finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week!" "That's great," his wife said. "Yeah, I thought so too," he agreed. "You start Monday."

Morning Sickness

Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look. "Taking a little break," I explained. "I'm in my first trimester." "Really?" he said. "What's your major?"

Older Couple Dinner

An older couple is having dinner in a restaurant. The wife sees another couple about their age sitting in a booth nearby. She sees the husband sitting close to his wife, with his arm around her. He is whispering things in her ear, and she is smiling and blushing. He's gently rubbing her shoulder and touching her hair. The woman turns to her husband and says, "Look at the couple over there. Look how close that man is to his wife, how he's talking to her. Look at how sweet he is. Why don't you ever do that?" Her husband looks up from his Caesar salad and glances over at the next booth. Then he turns to his wife and says, "Honey, I don't even know that woman."

If Cats Wore T-shirts, Here Is What They Might Say

- Purrfection cannot be improved.

- Menopaws: This is the hottest I've been in years.

- Take my advice. I'm not using it.

- I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

- Cats know how we feel. They don't care, but they know.

- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.

- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. They have never forgotten this.

Mr. Magoo

Guess who I ran into on my way to get my glasses fixed yesterday? Everybody

Dad Joke

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.

Today's Thought

Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet.