Friday's Funnies

 Locked Out

 

One afternoon I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out. There was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to come home. I went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves. "You locked yourself out?" he asked. "Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck. "So what's the problem?" "I took the plants in for the winter."

 

Fastest Land Mammal

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who's been asked what's in their mouth.

 

Magician

 

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year. "He's a magician, Ma'am" said the new boy. "How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" "He saws people in half." "Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?" "One half brother and two half sisters."

Holy Hole in One

 

There once was a priest who really LOVED to play golf. He awoke one Sunday morning to a beautiful sunny day and thought, "I've just got to play golf today!"  He called over the assistant priest and told him he didn't feel well and asked him to say mass for him. The assistant priest agreed, and the priest snuck out the back door with his golf bag. An angel in heaven, after watching all of this, went to God and said, "He is ditching his duties to go play golf. He should be punished!" God replied that He would keep an eye on the situation. The priest decided to drive a long distance away to ensure he wasn't seen by anyone from his church. He took his first shot and got a hole in one! As the priest danced around celebrating his good fortune, the angel went to God and said, "God, I am surprised at you! That doesn't seem to be a severe punishment to me!" God replied, "Who is he going to tell?"

Summer Camp

 

The first day of summer camp, a counselor was helping his kids stow their stuff. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella. The counselor asked, "Tell me Bobby, why did you bring an umbrella to camp?" The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

 

What Would You Do?

 

An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million dollars. Alec handed in a blank sheet of paper. "Alec!" yelled the teacher, "you've done nothing. Why?" "Because if I had a million dollars, that's exactly what I would do!"

Airport

 

In the Phoenix airport, they announced that the flight to Vegas was full. The airline was looking for volunteers to give up their seats. In exchange, they'd give you a $100 voucher for your next flight and a first-class seat in the plane leaving an hour later. About eight people ran up to the counter to take advantage of the offer. About 15 seconds later all eight of those people sat down grumpily as the lady behind the ticket counter said, "If there is anyone else OTHER than the flight crew who'd like to volunteer, please step forward."

Getting Gas

 

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas (back in the day when there was such a thing) just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Mistakes

If a barber makes a mistake, It's a new style.

If a driver makes a mistake, It is an accident.

If an engineer makes a mistake, It is a new venture.


If a politician makes a mistake, It is a new law.

If a scientist makes a mistake, It is a new invention.

If a tailor makes a mistake, It is a new fashion.

If a teacher makes a mistake, It is a new theory.

If our boss makes a mistake, It is our mistake.

If an employee makes a mistake, It is a "MISTAKE."

Bad News, Worse News

 

A man went in to his doctor for his test results and the doctor said, ‘I have bad news and I have worse news. Which do you want first?’ The man thought, and said, ‘Give me the bad news.’ The doctor told him he had 48 hours to live. The man asked what news could be worse? The doctor replied, ‘We’ve been looking for you since yesterday…’

 

Dad Joke

Inquiring minds want to know: are you pro-biotic or anti-biotic?!

Today’s Thought

Cats can memorize 120 commands, but they don't want to.