Friday's Funnies

 Happy Halloween

What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?

Squash

When is it bad luck to see a black cat?
When you're a mouse.

What do you call a skeleton who won't get up in the mornings?
Lazy bones

What would you find on a haunted beach?
A sand witch

The Mommy Test

I was out walking with my then 4-year-old daughter when she picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. "Why," she asked. "Because it's been laying outside, and it is dirty and probably has germs." At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?" "Uh," I was thinking quickly, "...all moms know this stuff? Um, it's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. "OH...I get It!" she beamed. "So, if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy."

Meaning Of Life

I found the meaning of life. It's on page 937 in the dictionary between the words lie and lifeboat.

'R' Troubles

A young schoolboy was having a hard time pronouncing the letter ''R,'' and all the other kids were, of course, teasing him about it. To help him out, the teacher gave him a sentence to practice at home: ''Robert gave Richard a rap in the ribs for roasting the rabbit so rare.'' In class a few days later, the teacher asked the boy to recite the sentence out loud. The boy nervously eyed his classmates--many of them already laughing at him--then replied, ''Bob gave Dick a poke in the side because the bunny wasn't cooked enough.''

Rearranging Letters

DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters: DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters: BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER: When you rearrange the letters: MOON STARER

THE EYES: When you rearrange the letters: THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters: HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters: CASH LOST IN ME

SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters: ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters: I'M A DOT IN PLACE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters: TWELVE PLUS ONE

Doctor! Doctor!

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions while a woman rushed to help him. As she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

Long-winded Speech

A man giving a long-winded speech finally says, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home." A voice from the crowd says, "There's a calendar behind you."

The old Golfer

An eighty-year-old man's golf game was hampered by poor eyesight. He could hit the ball well but he couldn't see where it went. So, his doctor teamed him up with a ninety-year-old man who had perfect eyesight and was willing to go along to serve as a spotter. The eighty-year-old man hit the first ball and asked his companion if he saw where it landed. "Yep," said the ninety-year-old. "Where did it go?" the eighty-year-old demanded. The ninety-year-old replied, "I don't remember… "

Fishing Trip

After returning from a fishing trip with her husband, a wife confessed to her neighbor: "I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and too loudly. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and, worst of all, I caught more fish than he did."

Long Deployment

Just before our first long deployment, two Navy buddies and I were talking about the stress of leaving our families. A senior officer, a veteran of many deployments, overheard our conversation and offered the following advice: "You must be sensitive to your wives' emotional needs," he said. "Never, ever, whistle while you pack!"

Today’s Though

It wasn't the apple on the tree, but the pair on the ground.