Friday's Funnies

 Christmas Promise

It was the day after Christmas at a church. The pastor was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures. Immediately, the pastor turned toward the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus. The pastor walked up to Jimmy and said, "Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?" Jimmy replied, "I got him from the church." "And why did you take him?" With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, "Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it."

 

First Baby Advice

The doctor was giving the new mother instructions on the care of her first baby. "Actually, it's quite simple." he said. "Just keep one end full and the other end dry and clean."

 

Reality Check

Every few days try your jeans on just to make sure they fit. Pajamas will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.

 

Fishing Trip

After returning from a fishing trip with her husband, a wife confessed to her neighbor: "I did everything all wrong again today -- I talked too much and too loud. I used the wrong bait. I reeled in too soon and, worst of all, I caught more fish than he did."

 

Plenty Cryptic After All

A minor e-mail virus infestation hits the group that this network technician is responsible for, and after cleaning up the mess he decides it's time for new passwords all around, just to be safe. Most of the group works in the same location, so he just takes a walk around the office, whispering the new password to each user. But one woman is at a remote site. The tech can't reach her by phone, and he's leery of sending her new password in unencrypted e-mail. Finally, he hits on an idea. He begins the e-mail message by explaining the password change. Then he writes: "And your new password is: (the last name of our intern from that hot country) followed by the digits of (the number of points our basketball team scored in our last game)." Very clever, he figures -- it's information only someone in the group would know. Until he gets a reply message from the user: "I tried the password, but it didn't work. Could you set it to something not so long and hard to type? And are those parentheses important?"

 

Illness

I had the toughest time of my life! First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

 

Let Me In Coach

A football coach was asked his secret of evaluating raw recruits.  "Well," he said, "I take them out in the woods and make them run.  The ones that go around the trees, I make into running backs.  The ones that run into the trees, I turn into linemen."

Thoughts About Life

·       You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

·       How blessed we are that wrinkles don't hurt.

·       The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere, and to let the air out of their tires.

·       Laughing helps.  It's like jogging on the inside.

·       Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.

·       It amazes me how much exercise and extra fries sound alike.

 

Who Makes The Coffee?

A married couple were arguing who should make the coffee.  The wife said that in the Bible it says that men should make the coffee.  "Where's it say that," the husband asked.  The wife opened the Bible and said "Right here it says Hebrews."

Bible Jokes 

·       What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?  Absolutely ruthless.

·       Who was the most knowledgeable man in the Bible?  Abraham.  He knew a Lot.

·       Why didn't Noah ever go fishing?  He only had two worms.

·       Why did Noah have to punish the chickens on the Ark?  They were using fowl language.

 

Celebrity Restaurant

A new celebrity restaurant chain is opening up nationwide. It is a partnership between Kareem Abdul Jabarr, Ryan Coffee, and Sugar Ray Leonard. They're going to call it: "Coffee, with Kareem and Sugar"

Silence

At a wedding I attended, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead. As the church grew quiet, a little boy sitting in front of me turned to his father and said excitedly, "Dad, you have some of their albums!"

Dad Joke

My wife claims I'm a baseball fanatic. She says all I ever read about is baseball. All I ever talk about is baseball. All I ever think about is baseball. I told her she's way off base.

Today’s Thought

Some people like living in the past.  For one thing, the rent is a lot cheaper.