Friday's Funnies

 Adam Talking To His Sons

 

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, "Father, what's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

 

Fewer Calories

 

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies. The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual." "Why is that?" the mother asked. "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.

 

When I Was Your Age

 

Kids today don't know how easy they have it.  When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.

 

Daughter: Alexa, play Let It Go.

Dad: When I was your age, I had to call a radio station, wait on hold for 30 minutes to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour for my song to play with a blank cassette tape so I could record it.

Daughter: I don't understand any of that.

 

Grammar

 

Looking to comfort a friend of mine who struggles with grammar, I patted her arm gently and said, "There, they're, their."

 

Proposal

 

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year." His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept."

 

Name Badge

 

A local pastor joined a community service club, and the members thought they would have some fun with him. Under his name badge they printed "Hog Caller" as his occupation. Everyone made a big fanfare as the badge was presented. The pastor responded by saying, "I usually am called the 'shepherd of the sheep'...but you know you people better than I do."

 

Californians

 

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, you know you're from California if:

- Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

- You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

- Your child's 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

- You can't remember . . . . is pot illegal?

- You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

- A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

- Gas costs $2.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

- Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

- Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

- It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

- You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells phones.

- It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather- related accidents.

- Both you AND your dog have therapists.

Long Sermon

 

It was a very long and boring sermon. As one parishioner left the church, he said: "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God." The pastor was thrilled: "Really? Tell me why." "Because it endured forever."

 

Expectations

 

When I was a kid, I wanted to be older…this is not what I expected.

 

Dad Joke

 

Jon went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

 

Today’s Thought

 

My mood ring is missing and I don't know how I feel about it.