Friday's Funnies

 Granny's Visit

Little Tony was so happy to see his grandmother that he ran up and gave her a big hug. "I'm so happy to see you, grandma. Now daddy will have to do that trick he's been promising to do!" His grandmother was curious. "What trick is that, sweetie?" The little guy smiled at her, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

Appointment

 

A dentist was about to leave his office with his golf bag on his shoulder, when the phone rang. "Doctor," the caller said, "I have a terrible toothache. Can I stop by your office in a few minutes?" "Sorry," replied the dentist, "but I have a previous appointment to fill eighteen cavities this afternoon."

 

Income

 

“Darling," said the swooning man to his new bride. "Now that we are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?" "Of course, dearest, no trouble," she said. "But what will you live on?"

 

Part Number

 

A parts manager for a small tool repair shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead. Furious at the factory's incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: "TURN THE PART OVER."

 

The Cool Invention

They had been up in the attic together doing some cleaning. The kids uncovered an old manual typewriter and asked her, "Hey Mom...what's this?" "Oh...that's an old typewriter," she answered, thinking that would satisfy their curiosity. "Well what does it do?" they asked. "I'll show you," she said and returned with a blank piece of paper. She rolled the paper into the typewriter and began striking the keys, leaving black letters of print on the page. "WOW!" they exclaimed, "that's really cool...but how does it work like that? Where do you plug it in?" "There is no plug," she answered. "It doesn't need a plug." "Then where do you put the batteries?" they persisted. "It doesn't need batteries either." she continued. "Wow! This is so cool!" they exclaimed. "Someone should have invented this a long time ago!"

Did He Get the Job?

Interviewer:  "You have no experience in this field - and yet you're asking for a rather high salary."
Applicant:  "Sure, because work is so much harder when you don't know what you're doing."

The Veteran

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, "Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?" "No champ, I never did." "That's a good thing." "You're telling me," said Grandpa, "I was the cook!"

 

Road Test

 

As a student driver in New York City, I was taking the road test for my driver's license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn't look out of control. "You have a lot to learn," said the inspector. At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could. The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, "Now you're getting the hang of it."

 

Sunday School

 

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, "Yes, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

 

Analogies and Metaphors

 

These are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays.

·         John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

·         He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

·         Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

·         Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

·         The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

·         The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

·         He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

·         The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

·         It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.

·         He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

·         Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

·         She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

·         It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

 

Flat

 

Me: My tire's making a whistling sound.

Mechanic: Sounds like a flat.

Me: More like an F sharp.

 

Dad Joke

 

I wanted to marry an English teacher when she got out of jail. But you can't end a sentence with a proposition.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.