Friday's Funnies

 

Cab Colors

 

Two cab drivers met.  "Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"  "Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."

 

Smart Kid

 

Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Mrs. Roberts, can I be punished for something I haven't done?”  Mrs. Roberts is shocked, “Of course not, Johnny, that would be very unfair.”  Little Johnny is relieved, “Okay, Mrs. Roberts, good to know. By the way, I didn't do my homework last night."

 

Top Secret Government Base

 

At 8 p.m. one night, a pilot who had run out of fuel made an emergency landing at a top secret government base. He was quickly surrounded by security and taken inside to be interrogated. The interrogation was grueling because they wanted to make sure it was an unplanned landing and he was not a spy.  The interrogation lasted all night. At 6 a.m. they refueled his plane and let him go with his promise never to return. Four hours later he returned and landed again. Security met him on the runway. They asked him why he had come back.  "I know I promised never to return but I brought my wife and now you have to tell her where I was all night..."

 

The Best Way To Pray

 

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby. "Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said. "No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven." "You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor." The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

 

The Twenty and the One

 

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation. The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ." "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill.

"You've really had an exciting life!" "So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?" The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ." The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

 

Senior Exercise

 

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach and stretch.  Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. So if you find as you age that you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

 

Tricky Quiz

 

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. What was the third child's name?
Answer: Johnny, of course.

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest.

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: "Incorrectly."

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere.

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. If you were running a race and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd place.

9. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither. The yolk of an egg is yellow.

10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big stack.

Dad Joke

 

It never fails...Cashiers are always checking me out.

 

Today’s Thought

 

Recipe for iced coffee: Have kids, make coffee, get distracted and forget you made coffee, drink it cold 3 hours later.