Friday's Funnies

 

Bilingual

 

If you can't think of a word, say "I forgot the English word for it." That way people will think you're bilingual instead of ignorant.

 

Famous

 

"We don't have many celebrities in my family, but if my great grandfather was living today he'd be the most famous man in the world." "Really? What'd he do?" "Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old."

 

Groaner

 

Before my surgery, the anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.

 

Less Calories

 

A husband took his young daughter to the grocery store with him. In addition to the healthful items on the carefully prepared shopping list, they returned with a box of sugar-laden cookies. The man noticed the glare of his wife and said, "This box of cookies has one-third fewer calories than usual." "Why is that?" the mother asked. "We ate a third of the cookies on the way home," he replied.

Top 10 - Best Remarks by Golf Caddies

 

#10
Golfer: "Think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

#9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

#8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

#7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

#6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

#5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."

#4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

#3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

#2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago."

and the #1 best caddy comment:

Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."

Sunday School

 

A young boy came to Sunday school late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong. The boy replied that he was going to go fishing, but his dad told him that he needed to go to church. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing, to which the boy replied, "Yes, Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

 

Father / Son

 

Father: Look at all these bills! Taxes, rent, telephone, clothes, food. The cost of living is going up everywhere. I'd be happy if just one thing went down.

 

Little Johnny: Dad, here's my report card.

New Chandelier

 

The new vicar at a city center church was delighted when he received an anonymous gift. When he told the church council about it, he proposed it should be used to buy a new chandelier for the body of the church.

However, it was put to a vote and the vicar was disappointed when his proposal was narrowly defeated. The vicar noted that the church council secretary had voted against the proposal and when the meeting was over, he asked the secretary why he had not supported it.

The secretary said he had three reasons: "First, I have to write the minutes of the meeting and I can't spell the word; second, there is sure to be an argument over who should play it; and finally, if we are going to spend money in the Church what we really need is some good lighting."

 

Today’s Thought

 

My spouse says I have 2 faults. I don't listen and...something else.