Friday's Funnies

 

Happy Mother’s Day!

My kids wanted to know what it's like to be a mom, so I woke them up at 2 a.m. to let them know my sock came off.

The comments of an experienced mother: "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children... Now I have six children and no theories!"

The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had it to do over again. "Sure," she replied, "but not the same ones."

Son: “Mom, can I have $20?”
Mom: “Does it look like I am made of money?”
Son: “Well, isn’t that what M-O-M stands for?”

What kind of flowers are best for Mother’s Day? Mums.

What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where’s Pop-corn?

Why is a computer so smart? Because it listens to its motherboard.

What are the three quickest ways to spread a rumor? The internet, telephone, and telling your mom.

Why is Mother’s Day before Father’s Day? So the kids can spend all their Christmas money on mom.

 A Word About Mom

When my son graduated from high school, he had to give a speech. He began by reading from his prepared text: "I want to talk about my mother and the wonderful influence she has had on my life. She is a shining example of parenthood, and I love her more than words could ever do justice." At this point he seemed to struggle for words. After a pause, he looked up with a sly grin and said, "Sorry, but it's really hard to read my mother's handwriting."

Mother's Day One Liners

Personally, I think today's kids ought to do something really special for their Mothers on Mother's Day -- like move out!

A single Mom was asked by a friend what her son was taking in college. With a sigh she replied, "Everything I have."

Fathers -- take heart, your day is coming, and you can be sure of getting at least one thing -- the bills from Mother's Day.

What Mothers Said

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man. Midnight is past your curfew!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: "Humpty, if I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? Noooo!"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!"

BABE RUTH'S MOTHER: "Babe, how many times have I told you--quit playing ball in the house! That's the third broken window this week!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

BARNEY'S MOTHER: "I realize strained plums are your favorite, Barney, but you're starting to look a little purple."

BATMAN'S MOTHER: "It's a nice car, Bruce, but do you realize how much the insurance is going to be?"

GOLDILOCKS' MOTHER: "I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the Bear family. You know anything about this, Goldie?"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

JONAH'S MOTHER: "That's a nice story, but now tell me where you've really been for the last three days."

SUPERMAN'S MOTHER: "Clark, your father and I have discussed it, and we've decided you can have your own telephone line. Now will you quit spending so much time in all those phone booths?"

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

Today’s Thought

 If evolution is really true, how come Mothers only have two hands?