Friday's Funnies

 

Taxes

 

I’m glad I learned about parallelograms in high school instead of how to do my taxes. It comes in so handy during parallelogram season.

 

States

 

The teacher asked her students which state they thought has the most cows. A little girl raised her hand and said, "Texas."  The teacher said, "That is right, you get an A. Now which state do you think has the most sheep?"  A little boy raised his hand and said, "Montana."  The teacher said, "That's right, you get an A. Who can tell me which state has the most turkeys?"  Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "That's easy! Washington D.C."  The teacher gave him an A+.

Heaven

 

Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They die, and go to heaven. As they are walking along, marveling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!" "Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner!"

 

Groaner

 

A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head.  Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it until the bug squirted out into his bucket.  It went in one ear and out the udder.

 

Proper Order

 

While flying from Denver to Kansas City, Kansas, my mother was sitting across the aisle from a woman and her eight-year-old son.  Mom couldn't help laughing as they neared their destination and she heard the mother say to the boy, "Now remember -- run to Dad first, then the dog."

Shhhhhhhh!

 

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Denomination?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."  Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Denomination?"  "Lutheran."  "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."  A third man arrives at the gates. "Denomination?"  "Presbyterian."  "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."  The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different denominations, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"  St. Peter tells him, "Well the Baptists are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here.”

 

What She Paid For

A feisty 70-year-old woman had to call a furnace repairman. After a quick inspection the man put some oil into the motor and handed her a $70 bill for labor. "Labor charges!" she exclaimed. "It took you five minutes." The repairman explained that his company had a minimum one-hour charge on every house call. "Well, I want my remaining 55 minutes of labor," the lady responded, and she handed him a rake. The repairman spent the next 55 minutes in her yard bagging leaves.

Just Thinking...

·         I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

·         There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

·         Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

·         Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

·         Have you noticed since everyone has a video recorder on their phones these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

·         All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

·         How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

·         Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

·         Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

 

The Price of Gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings. I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh." I figured I had nothing Toulouse. I hope this brought a chuckle during this Cezanne to be jolly!

Same To You

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to a well-known hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better." One feisty elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

 

Dedicated

 

My husband Brian is a computer systems administrator. He is dedicated to his job and works long hours, rarely taking time off for meals.  One afternoon, Brian was overwhelmed with solving computer network problems, so I decided to deliver a meal for him to eat at his workstation.  When I was getting ready to leave, I said good-bye and reminded him to eat his burger and fries while they were still warm.  Staring at his monitor, he waved me away. "Don't worry," he said, obviously distracted, "I'll delete them in a few minutes."

Dad Joke

 

Want to hear a joke about paper? Never mind, it's tearable.

 

Today’s Thought

 

"Latte" is French for “you paid way too much money for coffee.”