Friday's Funnies

Graffiti

I went to see the doctor this morning. "Someone decided to graffiti my house last night!" I raged.  "So why are you telling me?" the doctor asked.  "I couldn't understand the writing," I replied. "Was it you?"

Quickest Way to the Lake

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, "What is the quickest way to the lake?"  The local thought for a while. "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the tourist.  "I'm driving."  "That's the quickest way."

The New Baby

Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use," Robbie said. "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."

Briefs

-          When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

-          When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

-          If you answer the phone with, "Hello? You're on the air!" most telemarketers will hang up.

-          A professor gathered the papers after a test and found a $100 bill attached to one of them with a note saying: "A dollar per point." When the professor returned the graded tests, the student got $64 change.

-          Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

Watching Your Language

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and dry cleaners depressed? Laundry workers could decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted! Even more, bedmakers will be debunked, baseball players will be debased, bulldozer operators will be degraded, organ donors will be delivered, software engineers will be detested, the BVD company will be debriefed, and even musical composers will eventually decompose. On a more positive note, though, perhaps we can hope politicians will be devoted.

Quartet Singer

A little boy said to his mother, "When I grow up I want to be a quartet singer." His mother said, "Make up your mind. You can't do both."

DC Think

A group of Congressmen were playing a trivia board game one night. When it one representative's turn, he rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature." His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it on or off?

The Tax Notice

A taxpayer received a strongly-worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice. "Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

Whose Fault?

A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the family room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her dad and said, "It was Mom." "How do you know?" "Easy. She didn't say anything."

My Job History

-          My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned...couldn't concentrate.

-          Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

-          After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job.

-          Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

-          I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.

-          Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.

-          I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.

-          My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.

-          I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.

-          Next was a job in a shoe factory - I tried but I just didn't fit in.

-          I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

-          I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

-          I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.

-          So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

-          After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

-          So, then I retired...and found out I was perfect for the job!

Formal Letter

At the end of last semester, a fellow student complained about how he failed the English course.  The teacher invited him to write a formal letter of complaint to the principal.  I glanced at his letter to see how it was going.  His first sentence read, "Dear Principle, it is infair and unposible that I faled english."

Today’s Thought

The brain is amazing. It begins from the time we are born and works 24 hours a day 365 days a year right up to the time you get up to speak in public.