Friday's Funnies

Taxes

It disgusts me the way some people cheat on their income taxes. This is NOT the kind of world I want to raise my 23 dependents in!

Calving lesson

A city kid went to his grandpa's farm for the weekend. He tagged along as Pa did what had to be done around the place, taking it all in.  Then Grandpa came across a cow having trouble calving. He didn't know how the whole process would be taken in by the six-year-old, but had no option but to get on with the job of assisting the birth.  When the calf had been 'pulled' and the cow was happily cleaning it up, Pa asked the boy if he had any questions about what he had just seen.  At first the kid seemed overwhelmed by the experience, but finally asked, "Just how fast was that calf going when it hit the cow's behind?"

Gym memberships

The gyms have a special name for people who sign up in early January and then don't go: Profit.

You Know You Are Living in 2020 When...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone
is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

Observations on Growing Older

-          Going out is good. Coming home is better!

-          When people say you look "great"... they add "for your age!"

-          When you needed the discount, you paid full price. Now, as a senior, you get discounts on everything — movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

-          You forget names. But it's OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!

-          The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

-          Your spouse is counting on you to remember things you don't remember.

-          Remember when your mother said, "Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"? Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

-          You miss the days when everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.

-          When GOOGLE, iPod, email, modem were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

-          Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 p.m.

-          You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

-          What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

-          Everybody whispers.

-          Now that your husband has retired, you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

-          You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet...2 of which you will never wear.

-          Seen it all. Done it all. Can’t remember most of it.

Light Bulb Jokes

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The light bulb can only change if it wants to.

How many software technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. That's a hardware problem.

How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But it takes at least three light bulbs.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
That's not funny.

How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
Oh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon. Like, no way!

You Won’t Believe This

A man was driving down the highway late one night when his minivan broke down. He turned on his flashers and tried to get someone's attention to help him. Eventually a Lamborghini Countach pulls up.  "Any chance I could get a lift into town?" said the minivan driver.  "I can do better than that," the man driving the Countach replied. "I've got a V-12 under this hood, I can tow you to the nearest town, no problem. Just honk your horn and flash your lights if I start going too fast."  They head off down the road and eventually come to a stop light and up pulls a Ferrari F40 with a V-10. The F40 began to rev its engine to get the Countach to race. The Countach revs its engine and the light turns green. They fly out of there, and about a half a mile down the road they pass a speed trap.  The officer there watches them pass and radios to base saying, "Base, you will not believe what I just saw. A F40 and a Countach were driving down the road doing about 120 with a minivan honking its horn and flashing its lights trying to pass them!"

Today’s Thought

No matter how hard you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.