Hardest
Things To Say
Three hardest
things to say... 1. I'm sorry; 2. I was wrong; 3. Worcestershire sauce
Remember: Senior Citizens Are Valuable
We have silver in
our hair.
We have gold in
our teeth.
We have stones in
our kidneys.
We have lead in
our feet and...
We are loaded
with natural gas.
The
Make-Work Project
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer twenty-five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night." "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
Funeral Expenses
Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand." "No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats."
Cute
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
Short Ponderations
A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer twenty-five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night." "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."
Funeral Expenses
Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand." "No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats."
Cute
Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to take a CPR course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim, Resusci-Annie, to practice. Typical of most models, this Resusci-Annie was only a torso, to allow for storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice. As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked, "Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"
Short Ponderations
·
Doesn't "expecting
the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
·
Daylight Savings Time —
Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
·
Computers make very fast,
very accurate mistakes.
·
When a man opens the car
door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
·
A man can fail many times,
but he isn't a failure until he begins to blame somebody else.
·
Talk is cheap because
supply exceeds demand.
- I
believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows...and a
foundation leaks, and a ball game gets rained out, and a car rusts, and...
- People
are funny. They spend money they don't have to buy things they don't need
to impress people they don't like.
- I
went shopping for cherries and microphone stands the other day. Bought a
bing, bought a boom.
- I
went to the bank and asked the clerk to check my balance. She leaned over
and pushed me.
Duh
Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class. Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked. "Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply. Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two." "We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."
Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys. He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class. Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked. "Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply. Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two." "We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."
Groaner: The Merger
Mary owned and
operated a small nursery that was renowned for its magnificent chrysanthemums. Her neighbor Jack had a small kennel, where
he raised purebred dalmatians. They
merged in the hope that they could combine the two and grow it into an online
sales .com. Unfortunately, the flower
business wilted and the market for dalmatians was spotty, so it remained a
small "mum and pup" operation.
What You Asked....
On a test, the confirmation student was asked to list the Ten Commandments in any order. He wrote: "3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7."
Cheerio
Heard on a London Bus: "When you exit this vehicle, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step. If you fail to do so, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you."
Stuck in an Elevator
The elevator in
our building malfunctioned one day, leaving several of us stranded. Seeing a
sign that listed two emergency phone numbers, I dialed the first and explained
our situation. After what seemed to be a
very long silence, the voice on the other end said, "I don't know what you
expect me to do for you. I'm a psychologist." "A psychologist?" I replied.
"Your phone is listed here as an emergency number. Can't you help
us?" "Well," he finally
responded in a measured tone. "How do you feel about being stuck in an
elevator?"
Today’s
Thought
Experience is
that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it
again.
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