Friday's Funnies

Coronavirus

I know a great joke about Coronavirus, you probably won't get it though.

Having Children

The comments of an experienced mother: "Before I got married, I had six theories about bringing up children...  Now I have six children and no theories!"

Fax Hint

As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple.  When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, "Well, I would, but it's the only copy I have."

DEA Officer

A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday and said, "I need to inspect your farm for illegal growing drugs."  I said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."  The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!"   Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in my face. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish - on ANY land! No questions asked or answers given! Have I made myself clear?"  I nodded politely, apologized, and went about my chores. A short time later, I heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull in the field. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer. The officer was clearly terrified."  I threw down my tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of my lungs, "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"

Baby Talk

What your baby would tell you if he could talk:
1. I have my blankie, you have your caffeine. Enough said.
2. Don't be jealous, but I think I'm in love with the ceiling fan.
3. I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.
4. To you, it's just an empty egg carton; to me it's PlayStation 4.
5. Actually, I don't mind sitting in a bathtub that I've peed in.
6. Bang a screwdriver slowly and steadily into your gums. That's what teething feels like.
7. Two words I'd rather not hear from you: rectal thermometer.
8. There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."
9. I've told you five times what cow says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.
10. There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.
11. I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass, and testing wind velocity.
12. If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.
13. Who's that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?
14. Who are you two to tell me how important it is to sleep alone?

15. What you secretly believe is true: I am much smarter than other babies.

Fractured History

During the Revolutionary War, there was a small encampment of patriot soldiers the woods. Before they went to bed that night, they tied chickens (they were saving them for a special meal when needed) to the trees around the campground. Sure enough, some British soldiers were stumbling through the woods that night and frightened the chickens. Their screams and clucks woke the Patriots and they were able to defeat and capture the entire group of British soldiers. A few nights later, the cook prepared the chickens for dinner. The soldiers said, "This is really good. What do you call it?" The chef said that in honor of these special chickens who saved their lives, he called it "Chicken Catch a Tory."

Wit & Wisdom

·         Don't be afraid to give your best to what seemingly are small jobs. Every time you conquer one it makes you that much stronger. If you do the little jobs well, the big ones tend to take care of themselves. — Dale Carnegie

·         If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed. If you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain

·         I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. — Winston Churchill

·         In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one part of the citizens to give to the other. — Voltaire (1764)

Grammar: Too Good

I work at a large company and we often get wrong numbers on the office phones. My cube-neighbor, Steve, is in the habit of answering all of his calls on speakerphone, which means I have the pleasure of hearing them. Yesterday morning, his phone rang and he picked up, saying "[name of company], this is Steve.." The woman on the other end said "Who is this?" Steve said, "With whom did you wish to speak?" There was a long pause and the woman said, "Did you just say WHOM?" Steve: "Yes I did..." Woman: "I have the wrong number." Click.

First Car

Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.  A curious neighbor wandered over and asked - from a distance - if he was going to have a garage sale.  "No," replied the gentleman, "my son just bought his first car and right now he's getting ready for a big date. He'll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl."  "So what's with all the stuff?" asked the neighbor.  "Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him."

Today’s Coronavirus Thoughts

-         If you bought 30 rolls of toilet paper, then you owe your church 3 rolls. Tithing is not cancelled.

-        Some people aren't shaking hands because of Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.