Friday's Funnies

Coronavirus Jokes to Retrain Your Face How to Smile

1.            Why do they call it the novel coronavirus? It’s a long story….

2.            Why didn’t the sick guy get the joke? It flu over his head.

3.            Why don’t chefs find coronavirus jokes funny? They’re in bad taste.

4.            I’ll tell you a coronavirus joke now, but you’ll have to wait two weeks to see if you got it.

5.            Nail salons, hair salons, waxing center and tanning places are closed. It’s about to get ugly out there.

6.            Finland just closed its borders. You know what that means. No one will be crossing the finish line.

7.            Did you hear the joke about the germ? Never mind, I don’t want to spread it around.

8.            Where do sick boats go to get healthy? The dock!

9.            What did the sick parent make their kids for lunch? Mac and sneeze.

10.          I ran out of toilet paper and had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

11.          You know what they’re saying about 2020. It went viral faster than anyone thought it would.

12.          What do you call panic-buying of sausage and cheese in Germany? The wurst kase scenario.

13.          If there’s a baby boom nine months from now, what will happen in 2033? There will be a whole bunch of quaranteens.

14.          What should you do if you don’t understand a coronavirus joke? Be patient.

15.          If Coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

16.          The grocery stores in France look like tornadoes hit them. All that’s left is de brie.

17.          So many coronavirus jokes out there, it’s a pundemic.

18.          Yeah I have plans tonight. I’ll probably hit the living room around 8 or 9.

Winter Cold

My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters.  Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.  "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared.  One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find our interior walls covered with frost.  My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept warm in the winter.  After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've spent the winter in Florida." 

Brief Ponderations

·         Some people aren't shaking hands because of Coronavirus. I'm not shaking hands because everyone is out of toilet paper.

·         You know you are bored when the most pleasurable thing you can look forward to is the next time you must go to the kitchen to take your medicine.

·         You can tell you are OLD when you go to your medicine container to see what day it is instead of hunting the calendar. I went to mine to also take my pills and saw that the first full section was labeled ‘T'. I knew that stood for ‘tomorrow' so I waited.

·         The word 'queue' is ironic. It's just a 'q' with a bunch of silent letters waiting in a line.

·         When will all the rhetorical questions end?

Express Lane

I was in the express lane at the supermarket quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign requiring six items or less, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"

You Might Be An Engineer If...

* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into binary.

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* The blinking 12:00 or wrong time on someone's microwave draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Best Buy can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've even calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.

Today’s Thoughts

First time in history we can save the human race by laying in front of the TV and doing nothing. Let's NOT mess this up!

Feels like we're only 3-4 weeks away from learning everyone's real hair color.