Friday's Funnies

Church

Pastor to Farmer: "I missed seeing you at service on Sunday."

Farmer to Pastor: "Well, I had some hay to put up.  I figured it was better to sit in a hay baler thinking about God than to sit in church thinking about hay."

Recovery

I went into the Hokey Pokey clinic and I turned myself around.

This Explains It

I always used my shampoo to wash the rest of my body while in the shower. It was just easier to lather up my hair and use the extra suds on my body instead of soap. Then I saw the words printed on my shampoo bottle "for extra volume and fullness." No wonder why I can't lose weight! Now I'm using my dish soap in the shower. It's guaranteed to remove fat and other unwanted deposits that other soaps leave behind!

A Different Beat

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. "Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!" Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

Unlicensed

A friend of a friend of mine was sitting on a lawn sunning and reading, when he was startled by a fairly late model car crashing through a hedge and coming to rest on his lawn. He helped the elderly driver out and sat him on a lawn chair. "My goodness," he exclaimed. "You are quite old to be driving!" "Yes," he replied. "I am old enough that I don't even need a license anymore. The last time I went to my doctor he examined me and asked if I had a driving license. I told him yes and handed it to him. He took scissors out of a drawer, cut the license into pieces and threw them in the wastebasket. 'You won't be needing this anymore,' he said. So I thanked him and left."

The Warnings

A state trooper stopped a Congressman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed him a ticket, the Congressman asked, "Don't you give out warnings?" "Yes, sir," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 65.'"

The DMV

I waited for a very long time for my number to be called at the Department of Motor Vehicles to renew my driver's license. As I approached the window, the clerk asked how she could help me. I replied, "I need to get a haircut, can you save me my spot?" She said, "Why didn't you get a haircut before your came here?" I replied, "I didn't need one before I got here!"

Quick Takes

A dimwit calls to order a pizza. The clerk asks, "Do you want that cut in six or 12 pieces?" The caller answers, "Oh just six - I could never eat 12 pieces of pizza!"

My hobbies: (1) Eating. (2) Complaining that I am getting fat.

After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979." "You mean a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly. "No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. "It's taped under the modem," I told him. After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, "Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?"

How To Write Good

-        Avoid alliteration. Always.

-        Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

-        Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat.)

-        Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

-        One should never generalize.

-        Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

-        Be more or less specific.

-        Sentence fragments? Eliminate.

-        Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

-        Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

-        Who needs rhetorical questions?

Understanding Me

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

The Respite

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position in the hall and slept for an hour. This continued for several days. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children — he's trying to catch up on his sleep. May I come with him tomorrow?"

Today’s Thoughts

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.