Friday's Funnies

Wi-Fi Password

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our Wi-Fi. "It's taped under the modem," I told him.  After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, "Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?"

Making Friends Outside Facebook

I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles. Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later, and with whom.  I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.  I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them.  And it works just like Facebook! I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator, and a psychiatrist.

Fishing Tip

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.  The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.  The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"  The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."  "What was that?" the old man asked.  Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."  "Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."  The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Computer Size

While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new desktop computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house. Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, "Wow! How big was the mouse?"

WWJD — What Would Jesus Drive?

In Psalm 83, the Almighty clearly owns a Pontiac and a Geo. The passage urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

Perhaps God favors Dodge pickup trucks, because Moses' followers are warned not to go up a mountain "until the Ram's horn sounds a long blast."

Some scholars insist that Jesus drove a Honda but didn't like to talk about it. As proof, they cite a verse in St. John's gospel where Christ tells the crowd, "For I did not speak of my own Accord..."

Meanwhile, Moses rode an old British motorcycle, as evidenced by a Bible passage declaring that "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills."

Joshua drove a sports car with a hole in its muffler, "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

And, following the Master's lead, the Apostles car-pooled in a Honda: "The Apostles were in one Accord."

The Turkey Dilemma

A poultry farmer was experimenting to breed turkeys with more legs for greater profits. Finally, he succeeded. While narrating the results to his friends, he told them, "The turkey I bred had six legs!" His friends, who had got quite excited, eagerly asked, "What about the taste?" The farmer said with a long-drawn face, "I have no idea. Can't catch it."

25 Church Signs

1.            Give God what's RIGHT — not what's LEFT.

2.            Man's way leads to hopeless end; God's way leads to endless hope.

3.            A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.

4.            He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.

5.            In the sentence of life, the devil may be a comma, but never let him be the period.

6.            Don't put a question mark where God puts a period.

7.            Are you wrinkled with burden? Come to the church for a faith-lift.

8.            When praying, don't give God instructions — just report for duty.

9.            Don't wait for six strong men to take you to the church.

10.         We don't change God's message; His message changes us.

11.         All churches should be prayer-conditioned.

12.         When God ordains, He sustains.

13.         WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.

14.         Plan ahead — it wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

15.         Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory position.

16.         Suffering from truth decay? Brush up with your Bible on a daily basis.

17.         Exercise daily! Walk with the Lord.

18.         Never give the devil a ride — he will always want to drive.

19.         Nothing else ruins the truth like stretching it.

20.         Compassion is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.

21.         He who angers you controls you.

22.         Worry is the darkroom in which negatives can develop.

23.         Give Satan an inch, and he'll be a ruler.

24.         Be ye fishers of men — you catch them, and God will clean them.

25.         God does not call the qualified; he qualifies the called.

The Secret

Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her."  "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."  "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."

Today’s Thought

My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.