Friday's Funnies

Code

A guy comes into a coffee shop and places his order: "I want 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights".  The waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, goes to the kitchen & asks the cook, "This guy out there just ordered 3 flat tires & a pair of headlights.  What does he think, this is an auto parts store?!"  "No," the cook says, "3 flat tires means 3 pancakes & a pair of headlights is 2 eggs sunny side up."  "Oh," says the waitress. She thinks about this and then she spoons up a bowl of beans and gives it to the customer.  The guy says "What are the beans for?"  The waitress replies "I thought that, while you're waiting for the flat tires & headlights, you might want to gas up."

Difference

Sam:  Do you know the difference between a guest towel and toilet paper?

Bob:  No...

Sam:  In that case, don't use our bathroom.

Wedding

Two young boys were sitting patiently through a wedding. One asked the other, "How many wives can a man have?"  The other replied, "Sixteen. Four better, four worse, four richer, four poorer."

Signs Your Baptism Service Is Not Going Like It Should

8. The Coast Guard becomes involved.

7. The service is held at "Splash Mountain Water Park."

6. The Pastor has to wear a frogman outfit complete with air tanks into the water.

5. As the baptism begins the organist plays the theme from JAWS.

4. The preacher uses plastic animated Billy the Bass singing "Take Me Down to the River" instead of the traditional "Shall We Gather at the River."

3. You keep hearing the pastor say, "Oops. Honestly, sister, I didn't know about that drop-off."

2. The deacon board shows up with fishing gear and packing a cooler.

1. Two words: Alka Seltzer

Getting Formal

The tot had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother's patience was wearing thin. "I don't want to hear you call 'Mother' one more time!" she warned him sternly. After a few minutes of quiet, a small voice came from upstairs: "Mrs. Jones? Can I have a drink of water?"

Wrong Number

Joe's phone rang at 3:00 AM this morning and he answered it only to find it was a wrong number. The caller was very apologetic. But Joe, half asleep, said, "Oh, that's OK, I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

Don't Try This At Home

After tucking their three-year-old child, Tyler, in for bed one night, his parents heard sobbing coming from his room. Rushing back in, they found him crying hysterically. He managed to tell them that he had swallowed a penny and he was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking was helping. His father, in an attempt to calm him down, palmed a penny from his pocket and pretended to pull it from Tyler's ear. Tyler was delighted. In a flash, he snatched it from his father's hand, swallowed it and then cheerfully demanded, "Do it again, Dad!"

It'll Come To Me

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time _ but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Short Ponderations

I AM in shape. Round is a shape.

Quoting one source is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

Cowboy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had the habit of picking on strangers, which he was.  When he finished his drink, He found his horse had been stolen.  He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.  "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.  No one answered.  "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"  Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post.  He saddled up and started to ride out of town.  The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say pardner, before you go...what happened in Texas?"  The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Memorial

Bill died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the services, his wife, Lynne, turned to her dearest friend, Sue, and said, "Well, I think Bill would be pleased."  "I'm sure you're right," replied Sue, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Lynne. "All thirty thousand."  "No!" Sue exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"  Lynne replied, "Yes. The funeral was $6,500; I donated $500 to the church, and the wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone."  Sue computed quickly and asked, "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone? My goodness, how big is it?"  "Two and a half carats."

Today’s Thought

One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance that no one has heard it before.