Friday's Funnies

Directions

A visitor to the town approached a local person and asked, "What's the quickest way to the next town?" The local, scratched his head, "Are you walking or driving?" he asked the stranger. "I'm driving," said the stranger. "Well, that's the quickest way."

Marriage

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

WIFE: I clean the toilet.

HUSBAND: How does that help?

WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

The Town was So Small ...

-        The City Jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

-        Main Street - one block long - dead ends in both directions.

-        McDonald's only has one Golden Arch.

-        The phone book has only one page.

-        The 7-11 is a 3&1/2 - 5&1/2.

-        The New Year's baby was born in October.

-        The ZIP code is a fraction.

-        The city limit signs are both on the same post.

-        Second Street is in the next town over.

-        There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

-        A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

-        The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.

The Water Hole

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer twenty-five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night."  "Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

Breakfast

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the Senior Special was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.  "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."  "Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.  "You mean I'd have to pay more for NOT taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously.  "Yep" stated the waitress.  "I'll take the special," my wife replied. "How do you want your eggs?"  "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied.  She took the two eggs home.

More Unimportant Facts

-        Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!

-        Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

-        The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

-        The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

-        The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

-        There are more chickens than people in the world.

-        Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

New Vicar

The new vicar at a city center church was delighted when he received an anonymous gift and when he told the church council about it, he proposed it should be used to buy a new chandelier for the body of the church.  However, it was put to a vote and the vicar was disappointed when his proposal was narrowly defeated. The vicar noted that the church council secretary had voted against the proposal and when the meeting was over, he asked the secretary why he had not supported it. The secretary said he had three reasons: "First, I have to write the minutes of the meeting and I can't spell the word; second, there is sure to be an argument over who should play it; and finally, if we are going to spend money in the Church what we really need is some good lighting."

Insured Voice

A cantor, the man who sings the prayers at a synagogue, brags before his congregation in a booming, bellowing voice: "Two years ago I insured my voice with Lloyds of London for $750,000."  There is a hushed and awed silence in the crowded room.  Suddenly, from the back of the room, the quiet, nasal voice of an elderly woman is heard, "So what did you do with the money?"

Groaner: Upon This Rock

A certain man was infatuated with a young woman, but he was so timid that he never had the courage to speak to her. In fact, he told his therapist that every time he got near her, he felt like nothing more than a tiny pebble.  "Well," his therapist responded, "if you want to get the girl, you'll just have to be a little boulder!"

When Husbands Grocery Shop

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.  Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Today’s Thought

My ability to remember song lyrics from the ’80’s far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.