Friday's Funnies

Warning

A state trooper stopped a Congressman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. After he handed him a ticket, the Congressman asked, "Don't you give out warnings?"  "Yes, sir," he replied. "They're all up and down the road. They say, 'Speed Limit 65.'"

Umpire Humor

Q: What do umpires and girls have in common?
A: They both make a lot of calls.

Q: What's the difference between a rain barrel and a bad fielder?
A: One catches drops; the other drops catches.

Q: Why did the umpire penalize the chicken?
A: For using fowl language.

Q: What's the difference between an umpire and a pickpocket?
A: One watches steals; the other steals watches.

Q: What do tough teachers and umpires have in common?
A: They penalize you for errors.

Ten Things Engineering School Didn't Teach You

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine, and all-nighters, go into software.
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip; it's a documentary.

Flying Is Like Driving

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Drunk

After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the driver of the other vehicle was drunk.  He told me the other vehicle was a cow.  

Signs That Your New Car Is A Lemon (aka dud)

~ As you leave the used car lot, you see the owner rush out with a gigantic smile and high-five the salesman.

~ You notice that the car phone they threw in "for free" has a direct line to Moe's Towing Company.

~ The booster cables are not in the trunk but are permanently soldered to the battery.

~ The hood has been equipped with a push-button device for quick and easy opening.

~ The "Purchased From" sticker at the bottom of the rear license plate has been removed.

~ You get a "Good Luck" card from the previous owner.

~ As you drive up to a service station for gas, the mechanic opens the big door and waves you in.

~ When you leave for work the next morning, you notice a tow truck parked about a block from your driveway.  As you go by, it silently falls in behind you.

~ The little "Service Engine" warning signal in the dashboard comes on and reads "Me Again."

Parent Tweets

Are you a parent? Then you'll understand these tweets:

- My 14-year-old made fun of me this morning because I had to go to work while he had a snow day. So I changed the Wi-Fi password.

- My kids wanted to know what it's like to be a mom, so I woke them up at 2 a.m. to let them know my sock came off.

- Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.

Census

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"

Woman: "Four."

Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"

Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."

Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"

Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

Today’s Thought

Okay, so what's the speed of dark?