Falling Temperature
WCBS Newsradio880 anchor on how quickly the temperature dropped in
NYC Tuesday:
"Someone said, 'The temperature fell from 90 to 55 so quickly, it was as if it saw a state trooper.'"
"Someone said, 'The temperature fell from 90 to 55 so quickly, it was as if it saw a state trooper.'"
Golfer Pacing
A nurse noticed a golfer pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer who had a golf ball driven down his throat was bring treated. "Is he a relative of yours?" she asked. "No," said the golfer. "It's my ball."
Airhead Thinking
An airhead calls to order a pizza. The clerk asks, "Do
you want that cut in six or 12 pieces?"
The airhead answers, "Oh just six - I could never eat 12 pieces of
pizza!"
Scrimping and
Saving
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the
good news: "Honey, we've finally saved enough money to buy what we started
saving for in 1979." "You mean
a brand-new Cadillac?" she asked eagerly.
"No," said the husband, "a 1979 Cadillac."
Still Smiling
During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was submitted by our local funeral director.
War Stories
Some men were swapping stories about their war experiences. One fellow who had been in the Foreign Legion was saying, "There we were, it was night, the odds were 1,000 to 3. We didn't know what to do." "Well, what did you do?" another asked. "When morning came, we charged and got all three of them!"
Contacts
A man was driving down the street when an officer stopped him. He said, "May I see your driver's license? Hmmm... This says that you should be wearing glasses." The driver replied, "I have contacts." The officer said, "I don't care who you know, I'm still going to give you a ticket."
Still Smiling
During a recent meeting of our Optimist Club, we challenged one another to come up with an inspirational sentence using the word countenance. This was the winning entry: "I put a cheerful countenance on people every day." It was submitted by our local funeral director.
War Stories
Some men were swapping stories about their war experiences. One fellow who had been in the Foreign Legion was saying, "There we were, it was night, the odds were 1,000 to 3. We didn't know what to do." "Well, what did you do?" another asked. "When morning came, we charged and got all three of them!"
Contacts
A man was driving down the street when an officer stopped him. He said, "May I see your driver's license? Hmmm... This says that you should be wearing glasses." The driver replied, "I have contacts." The officer said, "I don't care who you know, I'm still going to give you a ticket."
50+
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds find eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 50+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 50+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 50+ year olds find eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 50+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "I remember these".
Chessmaster
Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: Wow, he must be very smart!
Me: Not really. I beat him two games out of three.
Obit Writing
One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles. "What am I supposed to write?" the editor whined. "She liked puzzles?" Just then one of our copy editors piped up, "How about, 'Crossword fan is now six down.'"
The Army of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Me: I taught my dog to play chess.
Friend: Wow, he must be very smart!
Me: Not really. I beat him two games out of three.
Obit Writing
One morning at our small-town newspaper office, one of the editors was struggling to write a headline for the obituary of a woman who was noted for little besides a fondness for crossword puzzles. "What am I supposed to write?" the editor whined. "She liked puzzles?" Just then one of our copy editors piped up, "How about, 'Crossword fan is now six down.'"
The Army of the Lord
Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Christmas and Easter?" Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Front Row
An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The
friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he
asked politely. "The front row
please," she answered. "You really don't want to do that," the
usher said. "The pastor is really boring." "Do you happen to know who I am?"
the woman inquired. "No," he
said. "I'm the pastor's
mother," she replied indignantly. "Do
you know who I am?" he asked. "No,"
she said. "Good," he answered,
"Let me show you the front pew."
Today’s Thought
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected
expected?
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