Friday's Funnies

Housecleaning

An employee went to see his supervisor. "Boss," he said, "we're doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife asked me for some help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're shorthanded," the boss replied. "I can't give you the day off." "Thank you," said the employee. "I knew I could count on you!"

Sermon Choice

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.  The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"  "Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

Obesity

Did you hear about that study that says obesity might be caused by a virus? Tomorrow I think I'll stay home from work and just call in fat.

Students

Taking great pains to be specific, the new auto-shop teacher on our staff explained to three of his students that he wanted them to clean a car that was parked outside. He gave them two extension cords, the vacuum cleaner, a bucket, rags and the car keys.  He mentioned that the car was one to be used in his class.  Later he went out and discovered them sitting in the car, feet up on the dashboard, listening to the stereo. "Why aren't you vacuuming the car?" he asked.  "Because the extension cord wouldn't reach," was the reply.  Exasperated, the teacher stated, "That's why I gave you two."  "We tried the other one," a student said, "but it wouldn't reach either."

Our Country

The teacher was explaining to her 2nd grade class the significance of Memorial Day, and they were preparing some songs and stories to put on a little show for their parents. At one point the teacher pointed to the American flag and asked, "Does anyone know what flag this is?" A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country!" "Very good!" the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?" Confidently, the girl said, "Tis of thee."

Good Analogy

A local laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.  "Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"  "No I can't," the captain replied. "Can pilots fly?"

Refrigerator Girl

A young woman is visiting her parents. While helping her mother fix dinner, she opens the refrigerator. On the inside of the door, she sees a spicy picture of a lovely, slender, perfectly built young woman. "What's this about, Mom?" she asks.  "Oh, I put that up there to remind me not to overeat," the mother answers.  "Is it working?" her daughter asks.  "Yes and no," her mom replies. "I've lost 15 pounds, but your dad has gained 20."

Telling Tails

A woman was working in her yard with the weed whacker, when she accidentally cut off the tail of her cat. She ran screaming into the house, and told her husband, wondering what to do. He replied calmly, "Get the cat and the tail, and we'll take them to Wal-Mart." She was incredulous. "How could that possibly help?" she asked. "Well," he replied, "they are the world's largest retailer."

Baby Thoughts

What your baby would tell you if he or she could talk:

·        There's no point in teaching me to say "mama" or "dada." My first word is going to be "hat."

·        I know where the remote control is, but it'll cost you.

·        I've told you twenty times what a duck says. If you can't remember, I'm not telling you again.

·        There is no question that I can cry longer than you can listen.

·        I'm not just wildly throwing my food. I'm exploring the laws of gravity, estimating mass and testing wind velocity.

·        If you wanted a good sleeper, you should have gotten a cat.

·        Who is that baby in the mirror you keep asking me about?

·        If my bottom is so cute, why is someone always trying to cover it up?

Waiting

Doctor:  Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?
Nurse:  No change yet.

McDonald’s

A mom was driving her 5-year-old son to McDonald's one day and they passed a car accident. Whenever the mom saw something like that, she would always say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so she pointed and said to her son, "We should pray."  From the back seat, she heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."

Dude Ranch

A couple from the city went to a Dude Ranch while in Texas.  The cowboy preparing the horses asked if she wanted a Western or English saddle, and she asked what the difference was.  He told her one had a horn and one didn't.  She replied, "The one without the horn is fine. I don't expect we'll run into too much traffic."

Today’s Thought

Etc.: An abbreviation to make others think you know more than you actually do.