Friday's Funnies

London Building

A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.  The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"  Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.  "Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"  As they passed Westminister Abbey the cab driver was silent.  "Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.  The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

Computer

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

Surprise, surprise.

It was an Apple.

But with extremely limited memory.

Just 1 byte.

Then everything crashed.

Money Talks

A one-dollar bill met a 20-dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."  The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for a while, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"  The one-dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

The Cost of Snoring

A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring.  So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering."  "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $1000 down, and payments of $450 for 24 months, plus payments for extras."  "Wow!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!"  "Humm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh?"

Naming Twins

A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption at birth. One of the twins went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other twin went to a family in Spain, and they named him "Juan."  Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.  Her husband responded, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Random Acts Of Thinking

So I was having lunch with Bobby Fischer, the former world chess champion, and the table had a checkered tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass the salt.

I was stunned last night when my wife told me I was too wrapped up in myself. When did I get a wife?

I may not know what I'm doing, but I'm pretty sure I'm doing it brilliantly.

A dollar may not go as far as it used to, but what it lacks in distance, it makes up for in speed.

There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 30 years won't fix.

Is there a Bureau of Missing Personalities?

I know I'm beautiful on the inside ... I have the colonoscopy video to prove it.

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

In a recent poll, 60 percent of people believe their workplace is louder now than it was five years ago. The other 40 percent didn't hear the question.

Yeah, I'm a bird lover. Mostly chicken. Mostly fried.

I was visiting a monastery recently and I saw a sign that read, "In case of fire, break vow of silence."

How to Tell if You're a High-Tech Redneck

** You take your net-connected cell phone to the outhouse to read your e-mail.

** Your e-mail address ends in ".over.yonder.com."

** Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

** Your presence on the World Wide Web is a "Down Home Page."

** You tripled the value of your truck by installing a portable DVD.

** You trim the kudzu back from your trailer so it won't mess up your DSL.

** You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

** Your screen saver is a bitmap image of your favorite tractor.

** You start all your e-mails with "Howdy!"

** You can fix a trolling motor with a set of PC tools.

** You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink can on.

** The bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop."

** You know that a "network" has nothing to do with fishin'.

** Your baseball cap has an Intel logo instead of "CAT."

** You keep inventory of your truck parts, fishin' lures, and country music tapes in Excel.

** You've got every font ever made that looks like Old West signs or wood plank fencing installed on your computer.

** You have "Free Bird" and "Achy Breaky Heart" on the MP3 player in your truck.

** You find yourself humming, "Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire!"

Today’s Though

I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented, but... I forgot where I was going with this.