Friday's Funnies

How Respectful

Two men were playing a round of golf one day. Just as they were about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession went by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Clyde, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off. "Gee Clyde, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that," his friend said. "Well," Clyde replied, "I was married to her for the last 30 years. It was the least that I could do."

Say What?

• I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
• Went to the Air and Space Museum, but there was nothing there.
• Hold the door open for a clown. It's a nice jester.
• I'm still hot. It just comes in flashes now.
• The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.
• I child-proofed my house, but the kids still get in.
• Ban pre-shredded cheese. Make America grate again.
• If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
• The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
• A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.  (Or God's grace.)

Sermons & Grass

"Nature is a gift from God and every blade of grass is a sermon," a preacher told his summertime congregation. The next day, the minister was mowing his lawn when a member of the church who had heard the blade of grass illustration came along. The parishioner stood and watched his pastor mow for a while. Then, nodding his head in approval, he said, "Way to go, Pastor, cut 'em short."

The Teen

A mother takes her son to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13-year-old son." "He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery." "How can you say all that without even meeting him?" "Didn't you say he was 13?"

Honeymoon's Over

The day after a young couple had returned from their honeymoon, the bride called her mother in a panic. "What's the matter, dear? Was the honeymoon dreadful?" "No, but oh, Mama! As soon as we got home, he started using the most horrible language! Horrible four-letter words!" "Darling, shhhh," said her mother. "Calm down and tell me what he said that was so awful." "Oh, Mama, it's so embarrassing," cried the still sobbing bride. "He said words like 'cook,' 'iron,' 'wash' and 'dust!'"

Age-Adjusted Classic Pop Hits

• Herman's Hermits — Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
• The Bee Gees — How Can You Mend a Broken Hip
• Bobby Darin — Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash
• Roberta Flack — The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
• Johnny Nash — I Can't See Clearly Now
• Marvin Gaye — Heard it Through the Grape Nuts
• Leo Sayer — You Make Me Feel Like Napping
• Tony Orlando — Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
• Helen Reddy — I am Woman, Hear Me Snore

Field Trip?

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly. One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom?"

Bumper Stickers

• It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
• This is not an abandoned vehicle.
• It's as bad as you think and, yes, they are out to get you.
• I is a college student.
• The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
• I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
• If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
• No radio. Already stolen.
• If you don't like the way I drive, get off the sidewalk!
• Car will explode upon impact
• CAUTION : Driver Singing

Right On Time

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way with just a warning.

Mistakes

One day, an employee received an unusually large check. She decided not to say anything about it. The following week, her check was for less than the normal amount, and she confronted her boss. "How come," the supervisor inquired, "you didn't say anything when you were overpaid?" Unperturbed, the employee replied, "Well, I can overlook one mistake — but not two in a row!"

Today’s Though

Experience: The name people give to their mistakes.