Friday's Funnies

Aging

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"  Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."  "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"  "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

Texas

A Texan was visiting an old friend in Oklahoma, and as they drove around the Okie’s farm, the Okie said “Over there’s my cows” and the Texan responded with dramatic surprise “Those are cows?!? Friend, down in Texas, our cows are twice that size with horn-spans as wide as a truck!”. Moving on down the road, they got out of the truck near a garden plot, and the Okie said, “This here’s my melon patch.” to which the Texan responded “Melons?!? Why those are the size of Texas tomatoes and our melons are 4 times the size of your Okie melons.” Getting a little annoyed, the Okie looked down and saw a snapping turtle crossing the path and said to the Texan, “Watch out for that tick behind you!”

It's a What?

We took the kids to one of those restaurants where the walls are plastered with movie memorabilia. I went off to see the hostess about reserving a table. When I returned, I found my 10-year-old granddaughter Kaitlyn staring at a poster of Superman standing in a phone booth. Kaitlyn looked puzzled. "She doesn't know who Superman is?" I whispered to Jenny. "Worse," Jenny replied. "She doesn't know what a phone booth is."

Astronomy Quiz

A junior-high student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly.  One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon."  Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom??"

In Other Words...

Two trucks, loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus, collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday, according to news accounts. Witnesses were stunned, astonished, startled, aghast, astounded, taken aback, stupefied...

In So Many Words

Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships just don't work out.

When my friends told me to stop impersonating a flamingo I had to put my foot down.

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle-free and 3 sizes smaller!

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet!

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment. Now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is ... "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.

I'm going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I'll do the second week.

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Computer History

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. Surprise, surprise. It was an Apple. But with extremely limited memory — just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.

Signs You Are Broke

~ American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"

~ Your idea of a 4-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.

~ You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.

~ You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

~ You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes.

~ Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul.

~ You finally clean your house, hoping to find change.

~ You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.

~ You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice.

~ McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.

The Choir

While I was preaching in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison choir would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.  The next evening, I was puzzled when members of the church approached the stage.  Then the pastor introduced them.  "This is our prison choir," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key."

Today’s Thought

I love being over 70.  I learn something new every day and forget five others.