Friday's Funnies

Politics

I told my son, "You will marry the girl I choose."

He said, "No."

I told him, "She is Bill Gate's daughter."

He said, "Yes."

I called Bill Gates and said, "I want your daughter to marry my son."

Bill Gates said, "No".

I told Bill Gates, "My son is the CEO of World Bank."

Bill Gates said, "Okay".

I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, "No".

I told him, "My son is Bill Gate's son-in-law."

He said, "Okay."

And this is how politics works!

How Efficient

I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

Aye!

Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains, who had been friends for years, would always cry, "Aye!" and then blow their whistles whenever they passed each other. A new crewman asked his boat's mate, "What do they do that for?" The mate looked surprised and replied, "You mean that you've never heard of ... an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?"

He's On The Couch Now

A husband went to buy a birthday gift for his wife. Some friends had been invited over that night to celebrate her fortieth, and he wanted to get something special. At the store he spotted some cute little music boxes. One blue one was playing "Happy Birthday." Thinking they were all the same, he chose a red one and had it gift-wrapped. Later, at dinner, he gave it to his wife and asked her to open it. When she lifted the lid, out came the tune to "The Old Gray Mare, She Ain't What She Used to Be!"

Italian Pasta Diet – It Really Works!

1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

Strange disorder

A man goes to his doctor.  "If I see someone riding a bike when I'm walking down the street, I get this terrible urge to throw myself under the wheels. Have you ever heard of such a thing?"  The doctor thinks for a moment, then says; "Yes, I have heard of one other case. You are what we call a cycle path."

The Memo

To my children:  Never make fun of having to help me with computer stuff. I taught you how to use a spoon.

Healthful Place

Mr. Peterson, a tourist from Toronto, arrived in Barbados. In an airport taxi cab, Peterson asked the driver, "Say, is this really a healthful place?"  "It sure is," the cabby replied. "When I arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room, and I had to be lifted out of bed."  "That's wonderful!" said the tourist, "How long have you been here?"  "I was born here."

Top Ten Pickup Lines Used By Adam

10. "You know you're the only one for me!"

9. "Do you come here often?"

8. "Trust me, this was meant to be!"

7. "Look around, baby. All the other guys around here are animals!"

6. "I already feel like you're a part of me!"

5. "Honey, you were made for me!"

4. "Why don't you come over to my place and we can name some animals?"

3. "You're the girl of my dreams!" (Gen. 2:21)

2. "I like a girl who doesn't mind being ribbed!"

1. "You're the apple of my eye!"

Dead Mother

A man and his blonde wife are relaxing at home when the phone rings. She answers and within a minute is sobbing. After she hangs up, her hubby gently holds her and asks what's wrong.  She replies that her mother has died. He finally gets her calmed down and the phone rings again. She answers and starts crying again. She turns to her hubby and manages to choke out, 'Honey, it's my sister and you won't believe this, but her mother died, too!'

Russian

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption center called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available, and the couple took him without hesitation.  On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.   After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "Whatever possessed you to study Russian?"   The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."

Today’s Thought

I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year. Not to cause alarm or worry, but shouldn't that be an even number?