Friday's Funnies

Exercise

A man has to take up a sport at the advice of his doctor, so he decides to play tennis.  After a couple of weeks his buddy asks him how he's doing. "It's going fine", the man says, "When I'm on the court and I see the ball speeding towards me my brain immediately says: To the corner! Back hand! To the net! Smash! Go back!" "Really? What happens then?" his friend asks enthusiastically.  "Then my body says: Who? Me? Don't talk nonsense!"

Mrs. Methuselah

Having lost weight over the past few years, a lady was discarding things from her wardrobe that no longer fit. Her seven-year-old niece was watching as she held up a huge pair of capris. "Wow," the lady said, "I must have worn these when I was 183!" Her niece looked puzzled, then asked, "How old are you now?"

The Mixed Blessing

The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!"

The Parting Gifts

A priest, a rabbi, a doctor and a lawyer are gathered at a mutual friend's graveside to mourn his passing. The priest says to the others, "I would like to honor our good friend in a special way." He pulls a $100 bill from his wallet and drops it on the casket. The rabbi agrees, "That's a fine idea," and drops his own $100 bill on the casket. The doctor, not to be outdone, does the same. The lawyer murmurs, "What a wonderful thought," as he gazes down at their friend's casket. Whipping out his pen, he quickly writes a check for $400, drops it into the grave and takes the three $100 bills as change.

The Secret

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." "I don't know about that," huffed a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was 21." "You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. "I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for 27 years, she can keep it forever."

Words Not Yet In The Dictionary

ACCORDIONATED (ah kor' de on ay tid) adj. Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time.

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

AQUALIBRIUM (ak wa lib' re um) n. The point where the stream of drinking fountain water is at its perfect height, thus relieving the drinker from having to (a) suck the nozzle, or (b) squirting himself in the eye.

BURGACIDE (burg' uh side) n. When a hamburger can't take any more torture and hurls itself through the grill into the coals.

CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.

ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the rearview mirror.

EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz) n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.

ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

NEONPHANCY (ne on' fan see) n. A fluorescent light bulb struggling to come to life.

PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Today’s Thought

Whiteboards are remarkable.