Friday's Funnies

This House

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a stockyard one block north."  "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.  "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Breakfast

At the diner, my breakfast arrived with only three sausages instead of the usual four. The waitress explained that the cook had dropped one and was making another.  Soon the cook dashed out of the kitchen. "Here you are," he announced. "It's the missing link!" 

The Beloit College Mindset List For The Class Of 2020

Students heading into their first year of college this year are mostly 18 and were born in 1998.

Since they arrived on this planet...

1.            There has always been a digital swap meet called eBay.

2.            Grandpa has always been able to reach for the Celebrex.

3.            They never heard Harry Caray try to sing during the seventh inning at Wrigley Field.

4.            There have always been Cadillac Escalades, but they just don't seem to be all that into cars.

5.            West Nile has always been a virus found in the U.S.

6.            Vladimir Putin has always been calling the shots at the Kremlin.

7.            The Sandy Hook tragedy is their Columbine.

8.            Cloning has always been a mundane laboratory procedure.

9.            Elian Gonzalez, who would like to visit the U.S. again someday, has always been back in Cuba.

10.          The United States has always been at war.

11.          Euros have always been the coin of the realm...well, at least part of the realm.

12.          Serena Williams has always been winning Grand Slam singles titles.

13.          SpongeBob SquarePants has always lived at Bikini Bottom.

14.          The Ali/Frazier boxing match for their generation was between the daughters of Muhammad and Joe.

15.          They have never had to watch or listen to programs at a scheduled time.

16.          James P. Hoffa has always been president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters.

17.          TV ads for casinos have always been permitted to mention that there is actually gambling going on in there.

18.          Laws against on-the-job harassment have always applied to parties of the same sex.

19.          Even as the national mood gets glummer, there has always been an annual prize for the most humorous American.

20.          If you want to reach them, you’d better send a text—emails are oft ignored.

21.          They disagree with their parents as to which was the “first” Star Wars episode.

22.          “Nanny cams” have always been available to check up on the babysitter.

23.          NFL coaches have always had the opportunity to throw a red flag and question the ref.

24.          Bada Bing – Tony and Carmela Soprano and the gang have always been part of American culture.

25.          Books have always been read to you on audible.com.

26.          Citizens have always been able to register to vote when they get their driver’s license.

27.          Bluetooth has always been keeping us wireless and synchronized.

28.          X-rays have always been digital allowing them to be read immediately.

Today's Definition

Auction: A place where, if you're not careful, you'll get something for nodding.

Bar Owner Vs Church Congregation

There was a man who wanted to build a bar in the town. A church congregation that was next door strongly opposed it, but construction of the bar went on. Just before it was finished, however, lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.  The church congregation gloated and credited the Lord. The bar owner sued the church, claiming that the congregation’s prayers had cost him his building, but the church leaders denied having anything to do with it. The case went to court and the local judge was said not to know how to rule on the matter. He said he had a bar owner who believed in the power of prayer and a church congregation that didn’t!

82^nd Airborne Division

After enlisting in the 82nd Airborne Division, I eagerly asked my Recruiter what I could expect from jump school.

"Well," he said, "its three weeks long."

"What else," I asked.

"The first week they separate the men from the boys," he said.

"The second week, they separate the men from the fools."

"And the third week?" I asked.

"The third week, the fools jump."

Frazzled Cashier

I was checking out at the busy super market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins. When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22.  Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."  Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself."

Today’s Thought

I am the youngest of three. Both my parents are older.