Prescription
Because of an ear infection, Little Johnny, had to go to
the pediatrician. The doctor directed his comments and questions to Little
Johnny in a professional manner. When he asked Little Johnny, "Is there
anything you are allergic to?" Little Johnny nodded and whispered in his
ear. Smiling, the pediatrician wrote out a prescription and handed it to Little
Johnny's mother. She tucked it into her purse without looking at it. As the pharmacist filled the order, he
remarked on the unusual food-drug interaction Little Johnny must have. Little
Johnny's mother looked puzzled until he showed her the label on the bottle. As
per the doctor's instructions, it read, "Do not take with broccoli."
Q&A
Q: How much
difference is there between the North Pole and the South Pole?
A: All the difference
in the world!
Picking Up Clothes
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of
her son's room, a mother finally laid down the law. Each item of clothing she
had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end of the week, he owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly,
along with a 50-cent tip and a note that read:
"Thanks, Mom. Keep up the good work!"
Useful Golf Tips
The First Truly Useful Golf Book includes the following
chapters:
1. How to properly line up your fourth putt.
2. How to hit a Nike from the rough when you hit a
Titleist off the tee.
3. How to get more distance off the shank.
4. Crying & how to handle it.
5. How to rationalize a 6-hour round.
6. How to find that ball that everyone else saw go in the
water.
7. Why your wife doesn't care that you birdied the 5th.
8. How to let a foursome play through your twosome
without getting embarrassed.
9. How to relax when you are hitting 5 off the tee.
10. When to suggest major swing corrections to your
opponent.
11. Re-gripping your ball retriever
Camping Advice
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
My Housework
Philosophy
I don't do windows because I love birds and don't want
one to run into a clean window and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because I am terrified a guest will
slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible, and they might sue me.
I don't mind the dust bunnies because they are very good
company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to
have a home of their own.
I don't spring clean because I love all the seasons and
don't want the others to get jealous.
I don't pull weeds in the garden because I don't want to
get rid of the only green I've got.
I don't put things away because my husband will never be
able to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because I don't
want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for
dinner.
I don't iron because I choose to believe them when they
say "Permanent Press."
I don't stress much on anything because "A
Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a
wrinkled up crusty ol' person!
Good Neighbor
Policy
A good neighbor is one that lets his grass grow as tall as yours.
Church Visitors
While on vacation, a friend visited a church on Sunday. They settled into a pew near the front of the church. An usher came up to them, tapped on pew and said, "This pew is saved." Her husband looked up, smiled and replied, "So are we!"
A good neighbor is one that lets his grass grow as tall as yours.
Church Visitors
While on vacation, a friend visited a church on Sunday. They settled into a pew near the front of the church. An usher came up to them, tapped on pew and said, "This pew is saved." Her husband looked up, smiled and replied, "So are we!"
Just Like Mom's
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a good home-cooked meal!"
Vacationing
Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?" After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, "Is it dark yet?"
Today’s Thought
When the power failed at the elementary school, the cook couldn't serve a hot meal in the cafeteria, so at the last minute she whipped up great stacks of peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches. As one little boy filled his plate, he said, "It's about time. At last -- a good home-cooked meal!"
Vacationing
Preparing for a family vacation, Kathy and Matt explained to their young children that they would be sitting in the car for a very long time. The kids were told they would not be arriving at their destination until after dark, and were warned not to keep saying, "Are we there yet?" After a few minutes of peaceful driving, four year old Rachel perked up, "Is it dark yet?"
Today’s Thought
Why, in a country where there is free speech, there are
phone bills?
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