So It Goes
Just about the time a woman thinks her work is done, she becomes a grandmother.
Just about the time a woman thinks her work is done, she becomes a grandmother.
Check
A doctor calls his patient and says, "The check you
gave me for my bill came back." The
patient replied, "So did my arthritis!"
Another Lawyer Joke
A lawyer is walking along the beach and spots a glass
bottle in the sand. When he opens it he discovers a genie inside.
Genie: Sir, I will grant you three wishes, but you must
understand that whatever you wish for, every other lawyer in the world will get
double.
Man: Hmmm. Ok. First I'd like $100 million.
G: No problem, but just understand that each lawyer got
$200 million.
M: I understand. For my second wish, I'd like a new
Porsche. In red, please.
G: Fine. It is in your garage. And just FYI, every lawyer
in the world just got two of the same.
M: That's ok with me.
G: And for your third wish?
M: Well, I always did want to donate a kidney . . .
For Art's Sake
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one. "I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one," said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction. "No," said the boy. "This painting is wider, so it'll cover the three holes I put in the wall."
At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between two paintings. They finally chose and went with the autumn themed one. "I see you prefer an autumn scene as opposed to a floral one," said the gallery owner, who happened to be nearby and witnessed the mother-son interaction. "No," said the boy. "This painting is wider, so it'll cover the three holes I put in the wall."
Signs that Childhood Is Over
*Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it
anymore.
*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.
*You have friends who have kids.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
*Your parents' jokes are now funny.
*You once said, "What-chu talkin' 'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.
*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind.
The Bodyguard
My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took the dog. Then one day two men in a parking lot approached her, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran and hid under the nearest car.
Following Orders
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
*Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
*The average 10-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
*Being bad is no longer cool.
*You have friends who have kids.
*You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's Playland.
*Your parents' jokes are now funny.
*You once said, "What-chu talkin' 'bout Willis?" or "Know whatta mean, Vern?"
*You have owned, and since disowned, Michael Jackson's "Thriller."
*You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, cuz mom is not there to do your laundry anymore.
*Naps are good.
*You once deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever."
*When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
*You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
*You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
*You want clothes for Christmas.
*You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the bald spot, and then realize it's a shot of you from behind.
The Bodyguard
My sister, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, "He doesn't like men." Perfect, my sister thought, and took the dog. Then one day two men in a parking lot approached her, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran and hid under the nearest car.
Following Orders
Doctor: "I see you're over a month late for your appointment. Don't you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What's your excuse?"
Patient: "I was just following your orders, Doc."
Doctor: "Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order."
Patient: "You told me to avoid people who irritate me."
Drawing
A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: "What is this?"
Kid: "It's a drawing of a cow eating grass."
"Where's the grass?"
"The cow ate all of it."
"Then, where's the cow?"
"It left because there was no more grass."
Today’s Thought
7/5th of all people do not understand fractions.
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