Friday's Funnies

4^th of July

The Fourth of July was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."  One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said, "I'm not free. I'm four."

What Did…

What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!

What did King George think of the American colonists?
He thought they were revolting!

Time Change Coming

The last time we changed to daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, "For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock ahead one hour and 15 minutes."

Wrong Question, Right Answer

Whenever my aunt went to the doctor, she would complain to me about the long delay she always endured. One day, when my aunt's name was finally called, she was asked to step on the scale. "I need to get your weight today," said the nurse. Without a moment's hesitation, my aunt replied, "One hour and 45 minutes!"

Still At It

My wife said, "Whatcha doin' today?" I said, "Nothing." She said, "You did that yesterday." I said, "I wasn't finished."

My Housework Philosophy

I don't do windows because I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible, and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't spring clean because I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.

I don't pull weeds in the garden because I don't want to get rid of the only green I've got.

I don't put things away because my husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."

I don't stress much on anything because "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' person!

50 Years Older

1966: Long hair 
2016: Longing for hair

1966: Acid rock 
2016: Acid reflux

1966: Moving to California because it's cool 
2016: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1966: Seeds and stems
2016: Roughage

1966: Hoping for a BMW
2016: Hoping for a BM

1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2016: Receiving a new hip joint

1966: Rolling Stones 
2016: Kidney Stones

1966: Disco
2016: Costco

1966: Passing the drivers' test
2016: Passing the vision test 

1966: Whatever

2016: Depends (the wearable kind)

  

Today’s Thought

A good neighbor is one that lets his grass grow as tall as yours.