Friday's Funnies

Hearing Loss

While getting a checkup, a man tells his doctor that he thinks his wife is losing her hearing. The doctor says, "You should do a simple test. Stand about 15 feet behind your wife and say 'honey?' Move 3 feet closer and do it again. Keep moving 3 feet closer until she finally responds. Remember how close you were when she gives you an answer. That will help me know how bad her hearing loss is.  About a month later the same guy is at the doctor again and the doctor asks, "Well, did you do that experiment with your wife's hearing?"  The man says, "Yes."  "How close did you get before she answered?"  "Well, by the time I got about 3 feet away she just turned around and said, 'For the FIFTH TIME...WHAT???'"

Really?

Some people apparently believe that ...

•             You can't use an AM radio after noon.

•             A quarterback is a refund.

•             General Motors is in the army.

•             Meow Mix is a CD for cats.

Senior Ramblings

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded "furniture disease." My chest is falling into my drawers!

I know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . .write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me... they are cramming for finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Left Behind

A tour bus driver accidentally left a passenger behind after they had stopped for lunch. Wanting to apologize, the driver called the passenger on the phone. "I don't blame you," the woman told him, "but I'm mad at my husband for not informing you that I wasn't on the bus."

Things to do in an Elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.

4) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

5) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

6) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

7) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

8) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

9) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

10) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

11) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

12) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

13) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

14) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

15) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

Appropriate Business Name

A man took his suit in to be altered. The shop sign said, "One Day Tailors." He went back the next day and was told it would be ready in 14 days. "But, it says one day tailors!" demanded the customer. "Yes, it is," came the reply. "You drop your suit off and it will be ready one day!"

Today’s Thought

We should all swap problems; everyone seems to know how to solve the other guy's.