Friday's Funnies

Father’s Day

Joe: What does your father do for a living?
Jon: He’s a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.
Joe: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Jon: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

Science teacher: When is the boiling point reached?
Science student: When my father sees my report card!

Dad: You’ll never amount to anything because you procrastinate.
Son: Oh yeah? Just you wait!

Manny: How do you like the drum set you got for your birthday?
Theo: I love it!
Manny: Why?
Theo: Whenever I don’t play it, my dad gives me 10 bucks!

Most Obedient

The story is told of a father of five children who came home with a toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present. “Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?” he inquired. There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: “You play with it Daddy!”

Things That Hallmark Cards Don’t Say

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What WAS I thinking?"

Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)

Good Question

The preacher's five-year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. "Well, honey," he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, "I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon." She thought about that for a moment and asked, "How come He doesn't do it?"

Lost in Translation

A friend was lecturing in Latin America. He was going to use a translator, but to identify with his audience, he wanted to begin his talk by saying in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." He arrived at the auditorium a little early and realized he did not know the Spanish words for ladies and gentlemen. Being rather resourceful, he went to the part of the building where the restrooms were, looked at the signs on the two doors, and memorized those two words. When the audience arrived and he was introduced, he stood up and said in Spanish, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." The audience was shocked. He didn't know whether he had offended them or perhaps they hadn't heard him or understood him. So he decided to repeat it. Again in Spanish he said, "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen." One person in the audience began to snicker. Pretty soon the entire audience was laughing. Finally, someone told him that he had said, "Good evening, bathrooms and broom closets!"

Which One?

Our family was attending a wedding, and I sat next to my mom, who had my youngest sister on her lap. The groom was standing at the front as the bridesmaids walked up the aisle one by one. Growing restless, my sister looked up at my mom and said, "So why doesn't he just hurry up and pick one?"

Doggone

They say a dog retrieves a ball thrown from over a mile away. But that seems pretty far-fetched.

Dog Tired

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of. He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. Then he followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep. An hour later he went to the door and I let him out. The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks. Curious, I pinned this note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful, sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3. He's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

A Child's Wisdom

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the ten most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him." Larry thought about that for a second and then asked, "Why didn't you just keep him when you took his picture?"

Today’s Thought

To a worm, digging in the hard ground is more relaxing than going fishing.