Friday's Funnies

Worries

I have so many problems that if a new one comes along today, it will be at least two weeks before I can worry about it.

Children's Attempts at Singing Well Known Hymns

• Give us this day our deli bread!
• We shall come to Joyce's, bringing in the cheese.
• Gladly, the consecrated, cross-eyed bear.
• He carrots for you.
• Bringing in the sheets.
• Yield not to Penn Station.
• Dust around the throne.
• Praise God from whom all blessings flow, Praise Him all creatures, here we go!
• While shepherds washed their socks by night
• He socked me and boxed me with His redeeming glove.

Remembering

I recently overheard a boss talking to one of his employees at a restaurant. "Was your wife mad when you got home so late last night?" the boss asked. "Yes, she was plumb historical," the employee replied. "Don't you mean hysterical?" "No, I mean historical. She brought up things that happened forty years ago."

The Stethoscope

A nurse on the pediatric ward, before listening to the little ones' chests, would plug the stethoscope into their ears and let them listen to their own hearts. Their eyes would always light up with awe. But she never got a response to equal four-year-old David's. She placed the disk over his heart. "Listen," she said, "what do you suppose that is?" He drew his eyebrows together in a puzzled line and looked up, as if lost in the mystery of the strange tap-tap-tapping deep in his chest. Then his face broke out in a wondrous grin. "Is that Jesus knocking?"

The Trick

Little Billy:  "Wow, Grandma, I'm really glad to see you! Now Daddy can do his trick."
Grandma:  "Oh? What trick is that?"
Little Billy:  "Daddy said if you came to visit again, he'd start climbing the walls!"

Parting Thought

The Lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

True Quotes About Science from Kids

~ One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

~ When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.

~ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.

~ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

~ In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.

~ Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

~ H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

~ Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

~ Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.

~ Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

~ Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

~ Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.

~ The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

~ Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

~ For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

~ For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

~ To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

Rx

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.  “Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”  “Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.   There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS.’”

Today’s Thought

To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more than human, it's downright natural.