Friday's Funnies

New Year's Jokes and Quotes

·     What do you tell someone you didn't see at New Year's Eve? I haven't seen you for a year!

·     May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions. - Joey Adams

• My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's Resolution. - Unknown

• Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughn

• An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Bill Vaughan

• The first week of January, gyms and yoga classes everywhere are packed with people who made new years resolutions to tone up. It’s like sardines in there. Big sardines. But they’re all gone by February.
  - Anonymous

• A new years resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
  - Anonymous

• Who has time to party on New Year's Eve? It takes me all evening to set my clocks ahead a year.
  - Just Bill ‏@WilliamAder

Scales Don't Lie

A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, she commented, "I don't think that's going to help."  "Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

Why I Like Retirement!!!

Question 1: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question 2: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question 3: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question 4: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question 5: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question 6: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question 7: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question 8: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question 9: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question 10: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.

Question 11: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question 12: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Question 13: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION 14: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

Lunch and Learn

The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call "Lunch and Learn" seminars during the employees' lunchtime. These seminars deal with a variety of physical and mental health issues. If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hours, we're supposed to get managerial approval to attend. So, last week, this flier came around:

LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:

WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?

(Get your manager's permission before attending)

Today’s Thought

I received a universal remote control for Christmas and I thought to myself, "This changes everything."