Merry
Christmas!
Top Ten
Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas
10. Anne of
Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collector’s Edition with 74 minutes of extra
footage
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)
9. Any knick-knack
8. Tickets to the ballet
7. Another new tie
6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket
5. New teddy bear pajamas
4. Vacuum cleaner
3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"
2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers
1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)
Top Ten
Gifts Your Wife Doesn't Want For Christmas
10. A car
wash kit
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic
9. A table saw
8. Two all-day passes to Circuit City's Home Theatre Installation Seminar
7. A case of oil
6. Five-year subscription to Sports Illustrated
5. Custom engraved bowling ball
4. New outboard motor for fishing boat
3. Rambo Trilogy on DVD
2. New satellite dish with sports package
1. Three-year membership to Weight-Watchers Clinic
Christmas
Jokes
Why are
Christmas trees so bad at knitting?
A: They have
too many needles
What do
snowmen eat for breakfast?
A: Ice
Crispies
What happens
if you eat Christmas decorations?
A: You get
tinsel-it is
What do
elves learn in school?
A: The
elf-abet
What do you
get if you cross Santa with a duck?
A: A
Christmas quacker
What do
grapes sing at Christmas?
A: 'Tis the
season to be jelly
What's the
difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?
A: The
Christmas alphabet has noel
What's red
and white, red and white, red and white?
A: Santa
Claus rolling down the hill
Why did
Santa Claus get a parking ticket on Christmas Eve?
A: He left
his sleigh in a snow parking
zone
Elf Pet
Peeves
~ Ever since
they hit the big time, those Keebler Elves act like we don't exist.
~ Santa
keeps asking, "Does this suit make me look fat?"
~ Blitzen
always mistaking you for a chew toy.
~ Now have
to work through coffee breaks thanks to the McCaughey septuplets.
~ Next to
"race" on the census forms, there's never a box marked
"elf."
~ Health
plan doesn't cover sleigh rash.
Christmas Q
& A
- What did Adam say on the day
before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve!
- What is the best Christmas
present in the world? A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
- Who hides in the bakery at
Christmas? A mince spy.
- If athletes get athlete's
foot, what do astronauts get? Mistletoe!
- Where do polar bears vote? The
North Poll.
- What do you call a cat on
the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claus!
- Where does a snowman keep
his money? In a snow bank.
- What do they sing under the
ocean during the winter? Christmas Corals!
- What do snowmen do on
Christmas? Play with the snow angels.
- What's a good holiday tip? Never
catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for
the winter.
- What Christmas carol is a
favorite of parents? Silent Night.
- What do you call a snowman
in the summer? A puddle!
- What do snowmen eat for
breakfast? Frosted Flakes.
- What do lions sing at
Christmastime? Jungle bells.
- When is a boat like a pile
of snow? When it's adrift.
Today’s
Thought
Research has
determined that the shelf life of fruitcake is longer than the shelf.
You’ve heard
of the 3rd archangel?
Mark. You know, “Mark, the herald
angel sings, ‘Glory to the newborn King!’”
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