Friday's Funnies

First Anniversary

The other day while driving home, after being delayed at my office, I suddenly saw flashing lights in my rearview mirror. The police officer pulled me over for speeding. Hoping for a little leniency I explained to him that I was rushing home to be with my wife on our first anniversary. But rather than letting me off with just a warning, he went ahead and wrote out the ticket, handed it to me, and said, "Congratulations! The first year is paper, right?"

Middle Age

Middle age is when...

• we can do just as much as ever, but would rather not.
• all you exercise is caution.
• you are sitting home on Saturday night and, when the telephone rings, you hope it isn't for you.
• you know there are three reasons indicating that you're there. The first is loss of memory and you can't remember the other two.
• you want to see how long your car will last instead of how fast it will go.
• work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
• your clothes no longer fit and it's you that needs the alterations.
• weight lifting consists of just standing up.
• you stop criticizing the older generation and start criticizing the younger one.

Thin walls

As a young married couple, a husband and a wife lived in a cheap housing complex near the military base where he was working.  Their chief complaint was that the walls were paper-thin and that they had no privacy. This was painfully obvious when one morning the husband was upstairs and the wife was downstairs on the telephone. She was interrupted by the doorbell and went to greet her neighbor.  "Give this to your husband," he said, thrusting a roll of toilet paper into her hands. "He's been yelling for it for 15 minutes!"

To Tell the Truth

A couple was celebrating their 60th anniversary. The couple married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally." On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -- fifty-thousand dollars! Andy said, "We've got to give it back." Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" Sally said, "No." Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile." The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..." The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."

Borrowing

My next-door neighbor and I frequently borrow things from each other. Not long ago, when I requested his ladder, he told me he had lent it to his son. Recalling a saying my grandmother used to repeat, I recited, "You should never lend anything to your kids, because you will never get it back." With that, he responded, "Well, it's not even my ladder. It's my dad's."

Weighty Matter

Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the department store. "Have you ever seen one of these before?" one asked. "Yeah, my mom and dad have one," the other replied. "What's it for?" asked the first boy. "I don't know," the second boy answered. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad."

New Math

Little boy to his friend: "I don't get it. My sister insists she has three brothers, but I'm in the same family and I only count two!"

New Understanding

During a phone conversation, my nephew mentioned that he was taking a psychology course at the university. "Oh, great," I said. "Now you'll be analyzing everyone in the family." "No, no," he replied. "I don't take abnormal psychology until next semester."

You Know You Have Had Too Much Coffee When…

•           You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked

•           You grind your coffee beans in your mouth

•           You sleep with your eyes open

•           You have to watch videos in fast-forward

•           You lick your coffee pot clean

•           Your eyes stay open when you sneeze

•           The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse

•           You can type sixty words a minute with your feet

•           You can jump-start your car without cables

•           You don't sweat, you percolate

Today’s Thought

Practice makes perfect! Sharpen your sleeping skills.