Friday's Funnies

Three Students

Three students are leaving their last classes of the day.

The law student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have coffee."

The English student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have a latte."

The medical student is thinking, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

Small Town Emergency

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"  "Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked. "Both!" was the reply.  "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it." 

Cousin Thomas

When Alexandra, my niece, was preparing for her first day of school, she confided in her mom that she was concerned about how her cousin Thomas's behavior in the classroom might reflect on her. "He burps and screams, he won't listen and he won't sit still," she lamented.  "Well, how did it go at school?" her mom asked her when she picked Alexandra up at the end of the day. "Did Thomas do anything to embarrass you?"  "Oh, no," Alexandra replied. "All the boys are like that!"

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired. As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.  The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.  "I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean "  "Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"  "So tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"  The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church , the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church ."  The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Dumb kid

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.  "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over! "

Ode to Spell Checkers (read out loud)

I have a spelling checker
I disk covered four my PC.
It plane lee marks four my revue
Miss steaks aye can knot see.

Eye ran this poem threw it.
Your sure real glad two no.
Its very polished in its weigh,
My checker tolled me sew.

A checker is a blessing.
It freeze yew lodes of thyme.
It helps me right awl stiles two reed,
And aides me when aye rime.

Each frays comes posed up on my screen
Eye trussed too bee a joule.
The checker pours o'er every word
To cheque sum spelling rule.

Bee fore wee rote with checkers
Hour spelling was inn deck line,
Butt now when wee dew have a laps,
Wee are not maid too wine.

And now bee cause my spelling
Is checked with such grate flare,
There are know faults in awl this peace,
Of nun eye am a wear.

To rite with care is quite a feet
Of witch won should be proud,
And wee mussed dew the best wee can,
Sew flaws are knot aloud.

That's why eye brake in two averse
Cuz Eye dew want too please.
Sow glad eye yam that aye did bye
This soft wear four pea seas.

Today’s Thought

I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty mad that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.