Fractured Christmas Songs From Kids
~ Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly
~ We three kings of porridge and tar
~ On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me
~ He's makin' a list, chicken and rice.
~ Noel. Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.
~ With the jelly toast proclaim
~ In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he
is sparse and brown
~ Oh, what fun it is to ride with a one horse, soap and hay
Professor Stein was lecturing his physics class. "Molecules can be split into atoms. Can molecules be broken down any further?" A pupil replied, "I'm not certain, but a sure way to find out would be to mail some of them in a Christmas package marked 'fragile.'"
Christmas Rebuke
After finding the door to the garage left open, Mom rebuked her daughter. "Were you born in a barn, Heather?" "No, but Jesus was." (Well played, young one...)
Song Request
Sam had been listening to his sister practicing her singing. "Sis," he said, "I wish you'd sing Christmas carols." She looked at him and said, "That's nice of you, Sam. But why?" "Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
Keen Observation
The best things in life may be free, but the optional accessories really run up the bill.
Bragging Rites
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
Pet Training
While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. But the customer complained, "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!"
Paid Off
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill for the delivery and were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
Wise Beyond His Years
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room: "Still in the Garden of Eden?"
Very Punny
While working as an airline customer-service agent, I got a call from a woman who wanted to know if she could take her dog on board. I told her the dog was welcome, as long as she paid a $50 charge and provided her own kennel. I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around and roll over. But the customer complained, "I'll never be able to teach him all that by tomorrow!"
Paid Off
My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill for the delivery and were now worried about meeting other payments. We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."
Wise Beyond His Years
A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?" One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room: "Still in the Garden of Eden?"
Very Punny
- Did you hear about the
lady window installer? Patty O'Doors.
- I found some Civil War
meat at the back of our fridge the other day — Blue one side and Grey the
other.
- I was no good at math at
school. I spent half of my time doing fractions — at least, I think it was
half.
- Experts have been
working for six months on making a slow melting ice-cream. It would have
been sooner, but they don't like working on Sundaes.
- Accept that some days you're
the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
- Always keep your words
soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
- A truly happy person is
one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- Drive carefully. It's
not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
- If you lend someone $20
and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- It may be that your sole
purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
- When everything's coming
your way, you're in the wrong lane.
- You may be only one
person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Today’s Though
I don’t have a problem with caffeine. I have a problem
without it.
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