Friday's Funnies

Top Ten Things To Say About A Christmas Gift You Don’t Like

10. Hey! There's a gift!

9. Well, well, well ...

8. Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.

7. This is perfect for wearing around the basement.

6. Gosh. I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.

5. If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!

4. I love it -- but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.

3. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.

2. To think -- I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.

1. "I really don't deserve this."

Shepherds

The Sunday school teacher looked at the boy's drawing of a manger scene, which included a large dog was among the animals. The teacher asked about it.  "Oh," said the child, "That's a German Shepherd."

Christmas Imaginings

Sunday school children were asked to draw their rendition of the Christmas story. Most of the kids drew manger scenes to include the shepherds, angels, the star, the baby Jesus in the manger as would be expected. Little Jimmy proudly showed his picture of a jetliner. There were four distinct faces looking out the windows. When the Sunday school teacher asked Jimmy to explain the drawing, he said it was the "flight out of Egypt." (Matthew 2:15.) He pointed to the one face and said "that is Joseph," another face was Mary, the little face, of course, was Jesus. The teacher asked him, "Who is the face in the front of the plane?" Jimmy replied, "It's Pontius, the pilot, of course."

Christmas Wish

As the little boy climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual question: "And what would you like for Christmas?"  The child stared at him open-mouthed, horrified, and then gasped, "Didn't you get my Snapchat?"

Ways To Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

5. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.

6. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

7. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

I Think Santa Clause Is A Woman....

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off!  For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. It's as if they are all frozen in some kind of Ebenezerian Time Warp until 3 p.m. on Dec. 24th, when they--with amazing calm--call other errant men and plan for a last-minute shopping spree.  Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood rings left on the shelves. (You might think this would send them into a fit of panic and guilt, but my husband tells me it's an enormous relief because it lessens the 11th hour decision-making burden.) On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a woman.  Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, still in the bag. Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted, and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh, amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. Add to this the fact that there would be unavoidable delays in the chimney, where the Bob Vila-like Santa would stop to inspect and repoint bricks in the flue. He would also need to check for carbon monoxide fumes in every gas fireplace, and get under every Christmas tree that is crooked to straighten it to a perfectly upright 90-degree angle.

Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:

~ Men can't pack a bag.

~ Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.

~ Men would feel their masculinity is threatened, having to be seen with all those elves.

~ Men don't answer their mail.

~ Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly."

~ Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them.

~ Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men. Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. Cupid flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance.

Today’s Thought

I saw a sign that said "Watch for children" and I thought, ‘that sounds like a fair trade.'